How To Pick A Girl’s Present By How Long You’ve Been Hooking Up

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You’ve been trying not to think about it, but time’s running out. The holidays are getting closer and you need to buy something for your girlfriend — or your booty call. There are a million ways this could go wrong, so save yourself money and embarrassment with this gift guide based on how long you’ve been together.

One To Two Weeks: A Nice Text

Anything more is going to freak her out. And, let’s be honest, you’re not sure yet whether she’s “that one girl you’re crazy about” or simply “that one crazy girl.” If you feel the impulse to buy this girl a big present, hold that thought ’til Valentine’s Day and see if she’s still around.

Three Weeks To A Month: Inexpensive Tickets To Some Event

Find a cool activity and take her on an interesting date. This present alleviates the pressure of exchanging real gifts and makes you look romantic at the same time. If you plan on keeping things physical, not emotional, avoid contact on Christmas itself.

Two To Four Months: A Spa Massage

Massages are a fairly perfect universal girl gift. She loves them, you love hanging out with her after she’s been naked and rubbed down for an hour.

Six Months To A Year: A Weekend Getaway

Go somewhere she’s mentioned before and pack nice wine. If you’re still keeping her as a booty call after six months, avoid contact for the entire month of December.

A Year To Two Years: The Outfit She Tells You To Buy Her

At this point, guessing what she wants is likely no longer a problem.

Two And A Half Years: Jewelry Of Some Kind

Yeah, it’s expensive. Sorry. At least you’re not at…

Three Years: A Ring (Or Breakup Sex)

If she’s been dropping hints, you best be dropping coin.

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.