An Open Letter To Men Who Frequent Tanning Salons

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Credit: Hans Neleman

Dear guys who go to tanning salons,

Why?

Seriously, why? I need an answer. At what point do you think to yourself, “You know what? My skin simply does not have an acceptable hue to it. A trip to the tanning salon, it is!” What’s the freakin’ point? Genuinely, I’d love to know your endgame here.

If it’s done in an effort to get girls, let’s dissect this train of thought, shall we? Do you honestly believe that ladies sit around all day, drinking smoothies and critiquing our varying degrees of pigmentation?

Newsflash, bozo: They don’t. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a situation in which a girl was on the fence about dating a guy, then his fresh man tan pushed her over the edge.

Can girls appreciate a dude’s summertime tan? Absolutely. Hanging out at the beach and getting a tan is, of course, 100% acceptable.

On the flip side, care to know what’s 100% unacceptable? Walking into a tanning salon at the mall and asking the 16-year-old girl behind the counter to “set me up with a package that’ll make me look like Mario Lopez.”

Have you ever caught a guy walking out of a tanning salon? I have. It’s appalling. And it’s always the same dude. Always! He has a tribal tattoo that contains the Japanese symbol for something like “strength” or “loyalty.” He’s wearing a t-shirt louder than the house music that blasts from his car as he cruises back to his mom’s basement, making everyone feel massive secondhand embarrassment.

This dude has all the charm of a hornet’s nest. Do you really want to go to the same place as him!? Seriously, dudes, take my advice: We, as men, men with big swingin’ American d*cks, should never enter a salon of any kind.

A saloon, yes. A salon, no.

Did Frank Sinatra hit a tanning salon before heading out to plow women on the Vegas strip? Did Patrick Swayze stop for a quick spray tan before roundhouse-kicking motherf*ckers in “Road House“!? Has Ron Swanson ever gone tanning on “Parks & Rec”!?

No, no and no. Men, don’t let your gender down. Embrace the pale.

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.