The Iron Sheik’s 2013 Year End Awards [Interview]

Iron Sheik Awards
Credit: Getty/Neilson Barnard

With 2014 on the horizon, it’s officially the time of the year when we look back at the previous 365 days, the year that’s nearly in our rearview mirror. And while other websites may bring in highly esteemed talking heads and pop culture pundits to recap 2013, we decided to go another route. So, without further adieu, allow us to present the Iron Sheik‘s Year End Awards. Michael Bolton, our apologies in advance, bubba. Guy Code still loves you.

Who is 2013’s Bigger Jabroni?

Biggest jabroni of the 2013 is the piece of sh*t, low life George Zimmerman. He f**k with Iron Sheik! The black people are my people like the Muhammad Ali and the Junk Yard Dog and the Gary Coleman. Forever George eat sh*t.

Most Surprising Story of 2013?

That son of a b*tch Rob Ford! He smoke the crack and eat the cheeseburger make the people in the Toronto look like they have penguin balls for Mayor! I go to his office to beat the f*ck out of him, but he so scared that he never show his face. F**k him and his crack! I crack his ass!

Who is 2013’s Best Professional Wrestler?

The CM Punk is #1 in the world, bubba. He work hard. He love the wrestling business. He know I’m a legend, and he know not to f**k with me! That’s why he the best.

Who wins the 2013 Rice Crispy Dick Award?

Excellent question, bubba! The Rice Crispy Dick Award go to the Paula Deen. She talk bad about the black brother. Her food don’t come from the heart like the black people food. Her food come from the ass!

The Sexiest Female Celebrity of 2013?

The Sofia Vergara win the sexy award. She lucky she be married to the Al Bundy. He is great man, and she is real lady. Not like the Peggy Bundy. Peggy Bundy, you deserve suplex. Sofia is my main lady. Also the Chrissy Teigen.

Side question, why so much recent love on Twitter for Queen Latifah?

The Queen Latifah, I love her. She the queen lady, not the queen cheeseburger ass. She work hard on her body. She training to be hall of fame, so now I love her!

Which celebrity deserves to be humbled the most in 2013?

No surprise, Mr. Peter. My answer is the Michael Bolton. He not celebrity. He dog sh*t! He not a man, he mouse d*ck! No, he have macaroni d*ck! He embarrassing to all the men in the world.

Who is 2013’s World Champion of Twitter?

Worst question ever! Who the f**k do you think, bubba!? I world champion! Nobody f**k with the legend! Buy my T-shirt, bubba!

Professional Athlete of the Year?

Lance Armstrong. He my brother. He my best friend. He know he make mistake. He go up, he go down, but now he go back up again. Why? Because he have the heart. He not like the A-Rod, that no good grasshopper d*ck. Lance is real man. He deserve the respect.

Mustache of the Year?

The Iron Sheik always have best mustache. Second best mustache is my brother the Action Bronson. He know I am the legend. Also, he know you have to work hard to have the mustache. Third best mustache is the Bette Midler mustache.

Man of the Year?

My good friend the Will Ferrell. He have best gimmick. He best showman in the world, bubba. He know how to make the people laugh. I respect him forever.

Woman of the Year?

The Katy Perry best woman. She help the people who hurt or sick, and that way I always respect her. She not like that cheeseburger tits Bette Midler.

If you’re looking for a holiday gift for a loved one, a family member or just any general Iron Sheik enthusiast, may we suggest the Humble You Program? For just $30, Sheikie Baby will insult the person of your choice via Twitter. Perfect for grandma!

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.