10 Things I’d Tell Myself About Women If I Had A Time Machine

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Credit: Universal Pictures

Hey, you! With the pimples! Look familiar?

Sure, there are a few extra pounds around the midsection, now that we can legally purchase beer. There are also a few gray hairs, but as you can see, we’re rocking it like Clooney. That’s right, I’m you, buddy! And since communicating apparently won’t destroy the time-space continuum like Doc Brown theorized, let’s have a chat.

First of all, quit wasting your money on VHS tapes and buy Apple/Amazon stock instead. Oh, there’s a dude in Jersey named Mark Zuckerberg — loan him a few bucks to get his company off the ground.

But here’s the most important thing we need to discuss: You are terrible with women. You are thirstier than the vast majority of marine lifeforms. And the problem isn’t that you’re too much of a nonconformist individual for them — it’s your sh*tty, self-defeating attitude.

You’re already shaking your head. Fine, I know how much you’re enjoying virginity at 18. If you want to avoid years of romantic misery, however, take some of your own advice.

1. Friendship Is Not A Seduction Technique

Think the Friend Zone sucks? Try the Defriended Zone. Honesty is the best policy upfront, ’cause girls who consider you a good pal will feel betrayed when you finally confess your amorous ulterior motives. It’s unfair to them and unproductive for you. There’s a time for making friends deeply uncomfortable, and that time is during a prank.

2. Paranoia Is Not A Turn-On

I won’t tell you which girlfriend it is, because that might disrupt the chain of events that ultimately leads you to Mrs. Right (don’t worry, she’s awesome and has big boobies), but you’re gonna get cheated on. And it’s going to suck.

That doesn’t make it OK to assume the worst about your subsequent relationships. Demanding to know where a girl’s been — and who she’s been there with – is a chump move. Want her to ditch you? Then act like she already has.

3. A Comedian Always Knows His Audience

When dudes get together, we have the most f*cked-up senses of humor. Put some liquor in us and we’ll laugh about anything, no matter how disgusting or disrespectful.

Some women share our vile comedic sensibilities, of course, but more often than not, “offensive” is the opposite of “attractive.” Act the gentleman when you meet someone special, and save the necrophilia jokes for guys’ night out.

4. They’re Not All Secret Bisexuals

You’re going to suggest a lot of threesomes. Super sad spoiler alert: It never happens. And kinda makes you sound like you’re not 100% into the girl you should be.

5. “Calm Down” Is NEVER The Right Answer

Instead, try “it’s OK to feel how you feel,” even if you have no earthly idea why she does.

6. Moving In Together Is A Massive Challenge

It seems easy enough: You sign a lease together, buy a queen-size bed and bone 24/7, right? What you need to realize is that you, as a man, are disgusting. Given the choice, you’ll wear boxers a few times before washing them, brush your teeth once per week, bite your toenails when they grow too long, and only wash your hands after going #2.

When you live with a woman, however, you no longer have those choices — it will feel like a constant infringement of your freedom. Just roll with it. Someday you’ll look back on your unhygienic habits and wonder how the f*ck you’re even biologically still alive.

7. The Only Thing You Can Say During A Pregnancy Scare

…is, “What would you like to do?” Because you have a dick, not a uterus, and therefore your opinion on the issue is irrelevant.

(Relax, bro, you’re not a dad — Aunt Flo just arrives a few days late in college.)

8. Run, Do Not Walk, Away From Toxic

Some people (men and women) are broken — from addiction, from abusive homes, from whatever — and they gravitate towards people whose lives are stable. You can’t fix them; they have to fix themselves. Crazy is contagious, and you don’t wanna catch that bug.

9. You Can’t Comprehend The Sh*t Women Deal With

And I don’t just mean how it takes them a couple hours to get ready in the morning. You have the privilege of walking outside without random gross dudes whistling at you and making cringe-worthy comments about your body. (No, you narcissist, it would not feel like a compliment.) Telling these sleazebags to shut the f*ck up is definitely Guy Code.

10. If You Hate Them, They Won’t Love You Back

Someday, Past Me, there will be an innovation called “social media,” which lets everybody publicly express their innermost thoughts, a huge number of which are outright horrifying. You will begin to realize that misogyny isn’t just a feminist boogeyman, and you’ll even begin to recognize it in yourself. This will lead you to another realization: If you’re constantly pissed off at women, why would they feel any differently about you?

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog and author of “’90s Island.”