5 Ways To Handle A Bad Roommate When All Else Fails

Bad Roommate
Photo via quickmeme.com

Everyone has had roommates whose bad habits have made living with them almost unbearable — like the “Guy Court” defendant on Wednesday’s episode who hoarded all the toilet paper. When you have an issue with one of those roommates, explain what’s bothering you and ask if there’s anything you’re doing that bothers them. Remember, never leave passive aggressive notes!

Still, there are times when that approach isn’t enough. The dishes are still piling up, your food is still being eaten, or their pet snake keeps getting out of its cage. When all reasonable attempts have repeatedly failed, you can rid yourself of politeness and general decency. Here’s how…

1. Respond In Kind

Whatever inconsiderate behavior your roommate is doing to you, just return the favor and elevate it. If he’s stealing your food, try stealing his clothes. Who cares if they don’t even fit you? The important thing is that he’s missing a new pair of pants every time you’re missing a sandwich.

2. Trade Embargo

Roommate relationships thrive on healthy trade agreements — the relationship breaks down when one roommate is taking more than he’s offering. When that happens, cut off the essential supplies that he’s mooching. Maybe he’ll buy his own shaving cream and toothpaste when he has a hideous beard and yellowing teeth.

3. Take Up A Disgusting Habit

If your roommate shows no interest in cleaning up after himself, develop an interest in meditating while burning incense and blaring whale sounds at full volume. (This will end up annoying you too, but war requires sacrifice.) The danger here is that he could try to one-up your new habit, and then you’ll try to one-up his, until one of you is doing amateur taxidermy in the living room.

4. Change The Internet Password

This is an extreme but effective move that requires minimal effort and no money on your part. Your roommate might flip out because you’ve taken away his access and communication with the outside world. Like many prisoners, he has a breaking point, and he’ll eventually do anything you want to get his freedom back.

5. Bring In The Houseguests

The only thing that can piss off your roommate more than your friend staying for a surprise visit is having multiple friends stay for a surprise visit. Offer your couch to all your out-of-town friends that you’ve been meaning to catch up with. Why not all your in-town friends, too?

+ Watch “Guy Court” every Wednesday at 11p/10c on MTV2

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.