The Opponents’ Playbook: How To Tell A Girl She’s Getting Fat

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After each new episode of “Girl Code,” we’re breaking down the big takeaways for guys. Ignorance is bliss, but knowing ladies’ secrets to up your game is even better.

Never Tell A Woman She’s Been Putting On Weight — Unless…

“Guy Code” already gave the male perspective on getting fat, but it’s different for ladies, who aren’t secretly proud of their billowing guts like we are. “You wanna be thin and you wanna be pretty but there’s pizza,” says Alice Wetterlund.

What if your once-skinny girlfriend is packing on the pounds from all that pepperoni, though? Is there any way to inform her without having a couple pounds disappear from your body? (Note: We didn’t bother to google how heavy a scrotum is.)

“If your boyfriend comments on your weight, it depends on how close you are as a couple,” Alice tells female viewers. “If you’ve been dating for a really long time and he’s worried about you…it’s not the worst thing in the world. If [you hear on] date two, ‘You look fatter,’ get out of there.”

Charlamagne Tha God presents another acceptable scenario: “If he’s in shape and he’s going to the gym and he’s eating right…then he can comment on your weight. But if both of y’all are letting yourselves go, y’all better shut up…until you come to the mutual understanding you want to be a sexy couple or a fat couple.”

Obviously, though, each girlfriend’s reaction will be different. “I remember when my boyfriend told me, ‘Hey, you’ve been gaining a little bit of weight — you wanna go work out?'” Nessa says. “Don’t do that. Oh, you’re not getting any p***y for a month.”

Yeah, probably best to keep your mouth shut — preferably around a slice of pizza.

Being Single Makes You Less Desirable, Because Life Isn’t Fair

The great irony of dating is that you need confidence to attract women, but you need to attract women to gain confidence in the first place. According to Carly Aquilino, this irony works in reverse for ladies: “Every girl’s attracted to a guy that has a girlfriend, because even if [he’s] ugly, it’s like, why does she like him? He must be really nice or really rich or have like a huge penis or something.”

Some guys take advantage of this phenomenon, flirting with girls on the side. You might get away with it for awhile, but expect to get caught, because you’re a man and we don’t think too good. “Just Google him and you might find his wedding photos — guys are that stupid,” Esther Ku says. Guilty as charged.

Know The Karaoke Code

“We love karaoke because it makes us feel magical,” Tanisha Long says. “Dudes? I don’t think it makes them feel magical.”

True, we’d prefer to keep our singing confined to the shower. But sometimes we’re dragged to karaoke night, and we’ve gotta hold our own. Here are a few useful tips from the ladies of “Girl Code”:

Alesha Renee: “Have a list of songs that you just legitimately know the words to.”

Jamie Lee: “Do not pick a song with a really long guitar solo in the middle.”

Carly Aquilino: “Don’t go up a million times ’cause I’ll punch you in the face.”

Of course, it’s a karaoke bar, so drink. “If you’re sober at a karaoke bar, you’ll never want to go up,” Quinn Marcus says. On second thought, maybe we’ll take it easy tonight.

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