How To Make Sure Your Relatives Don’t Ruin Your Thanksgiving

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Credit: Michael Coté/Flickr

Holidays are great. No work, no school, gorging on anything and everything unhealthy. Then again, the holidays — especially Thanksgiving — mean spending many consecutive hours with some of the most annoying people on Planet Earth: Your relatives. There’s no way to avoid it, so you better figure out a few ways to enjoy yourself.

Find The “Cool” Uncle

OK, so he’s not someone you’d consider “cool” on the other 364 days of the year. In fact, you’d even agree with the rest of your family that he’s kind of a loser: Still unemployed, still unmarried, lives at home with his parents (your grandparents) and spends most of his time shotgunning beers and playing video games. Then again, so do you! You’ll be fast friends for the next 24 hours.

Don’t Speak, Just Watch The Game

Sure, you could participate in some real family bonding by setting up a fun touch football game. Dad at quarterback! Mom going out for a pass! Grandpa with the game-winning touchdown! But that takes work and it’s freezing outside.

Instead, turn on the TV and plant yourself in front of the day’s many football games. Now you don’t even have to talk with your family. Simply sit back and relax, enjoying the dulcet sounds of giant men slamming into each other until it’s time for dinner.

Have A Task In The Kitchen

Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is not particularly a fun endevear and can be daunting if you’re running the whole show. But you’re not. Let your mother or grandmother give you a little task in the kitchen to bide your time. They know you’re no Mario Batali, so they’ll give you something menial, if not downright insulting, to do. “Here, chop this,” “Whisk that,” “Start the water boiling.”

It’s a little boring, but it’s also mindless. Even better, it’s time-consuming. You’ll get through the day, not have to interact with your family (much) and earn brownie points from Mom and Grandma.

Oh Hey, Look, Alcohol

No need to sit around all day waiting for the turkey to be ready, ’cause you’ve got your own: Wild Turkey straight bourbon whiskey. Or whatever drink you prefer. As long as it’s strong and stiff — and your family doesn’t notice how often you’re returning to the well — it’ll be Friday morning before you know it. You just have to ask yourself: Is a painful hangover better than spending quality time with your relatives? Yes, yes it is.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.