How To Rock Thanksgiving If You’re Stuck At The Kids’ Table

Kids' Table
Credit: Getty Images

The holidays are hard on the psyche. You’ve got babies crying, strange relatives questioning your life choices, and old people milling about near the cold cuts. It’s tough to handle, so the last thing you want is an uncomfortable seat at the kids’ table. But it happens sometimes. Maybe there’s no more space at the big table; maybe you’re just a little too young. All you know is, as a result of Thanksgiving table politics, you got stuck at a musty, makeshift card table with a bunch of juveniles.

In an effort to enhance your bleak Thanksgiving feast, here are 10 steps to making the kids’ table the place to be.

1. Personal Assistants

Convince your little cousins to be your assistants for the day. Kids will do any horrible chore, as long as you make it sound like a cool adult responsibility, and their naiveté makes organized labor a non-issue. A simple question like, “Hey, who wants to be Gravy Master tonight?!” or “Who’s strong enough to be my human footstool?!” can position you for the kind of luxury dining experience only wholesome child labor can provide.

2. La-Z-Boy

Drag a gigantic, $700 chair to your table from the TV room, preferably one with memory foam. Then you can recline, balance your plate on your stomach, and pass out while holding a half-eaten drumstick, like a barbarian.

3. Hoard The Pies

Just get all the pies. They have value. If someone’s interested in a slice of pie, engage that person in a trade. For example, maybe your uncle Tony has a 1967 Corvette and you have a date on Friday night. Perfect pie trade opportunity.

4. Hot Towel

Have your Towel Master provide you with a hot, damp towel before the meal, like you’re at an Ethiopian restaurant. This will ensure that your hands are clean and ready to scoop copious amounts of pumpkin pie into your body.

5. Skip Grace

Grace is cool and all, because you’re expressing thanks for the bounteous meal that you bought at Costco, but the magic of the kids’ table is that you can forgo the blessing undetected, and go right into stuffing your face with rolls.

6. Limitless Eating

No one at the kids’ table is going to judge you, so fill your plate with whatever you want. Don’t bother with the asparagus spears, artichokes or natural cranberry sauce. Instead, just fill your plate entirely with stuffing. No one will notice your shameful stuffing heap. It’s just you, a pile of stuffing, and candied yams, the way it should be.

7. Outside Vendor

If none of the food is to your liking, just order delivery. Nobody pays attention to the kids’ table, so it’s no big deal if some guy walks in wearing a scooter helmet and hands you a bag of lo mein.

8. Release The Hound

Encourage the family dog, preferably a German Shepherd, to sit at your feet, and feed it choice cuts from the Thanksgiving turkey. You will gain its loyalty, and it will defend your pies, Chinese food and suede recliner, while keeping your personal assistants in line.

9. Mint Sauce Prohibition

As head of the kids’ table, you must outlaw the use of mint sauce, because it’s disgusting. If anybody at your table is seen using mint sauce, they will be banished to the garage, bathroom or foyer–whichever smells most like cat pee. Also, ham will not be tolerated.

10. Create A Wi-Fi Hotspot

Then you can get the best service at your table and watch crazy YouTube clips with your cousins. Sure, your mom might be upset that you’re distracting everybody, but it’s vital for you to watch that footage of a chimpanzee riding a Segway:

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.