7 Cheap Beers That Try To Be Fancy

Artisanal Beer Brewers Find Growing Niche In Berlin
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Thinking about ordering just any old beer, pal? Think again. Order a cheap pint and people think you’re a cheap man. And if you drink your friend’s expensive beer and then replace it with Natty Light, you’ll wind up in “Guy Court” like tonight’s defendant.

But beware: Beer companies are always trying to fool you by slapping a sophisticated name on their newest crap product. Tired of getting fooled by cheap beers with fancy labels? Then check out this list of brews that try to pull the wool over your beer goggles.

1. Bud Light Platinum

A sweeter, higher-alcohol version of Bud Light, marketed to higher-income drinkers. However, the company admits that sales dropped after it released Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, which is a sweeter version of diabetes.

2. Molson Exel

Not even that famous Canadian charm could win over drinkers with this beer. Described as very sweet “barley soda” with an aftertaste of “canned peas and dirty fruit,” the only thing this beer “exels” at is giving you a headache before you’ve even reached your bed.

3. Miller Fortune

Due out early 2014 in a sleek black bottle, “Fortune” is touted as a beer with “edge, intrigue and charisma.” Wait a second, are we supposed to drink this beer or have sex with it? Because I’ve had some Friday nights alone where it could have gone either way.

4. Budweiser Select

No one really knows what this beer is, except that it’s “The Real Deal,” whatever that means. Unfortunately, no one bought it to find out.

5. Coors Extra Gold Lager

According to its commercial, brewing this beer “requires uncommon patience.” But good things don’t always come to those who wait.

6. Bud Silver

What does “silver” make you think of? Second place? Anderson Cooper’s hair? Your grandmother’s cutlery? Any of those are better than this watered-down Bud Light for the UK market.

7. Miller High Life

With its gold label, higher carbonation and unique bottle shape, “The Champagne Of Beers” continues to dominate the faux-fancy marketplace, turning any redneck BBQ into a banquet. Plus, it’s damn near water so, go ahead, turn that inflatable pool into a jacuzzi. Now you’re living the high life!

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Jason Saenz (@NOT not Jason Saenz) is a NYC writer and only drinks champagne if it’s poured on his head.