Welcome to the holiday season! If you’ve been dating a girl semi-seriously, then chances are you’ll soon meet her parents for the first time. But don’t sweat it. With this handy guide, you’ll know exactly what to expect — and how to keep her dad from putting you on the Thanksgiving dinner menu.
1. The Military Parents
He’s a Green Beret. She’s an officer in the Navy. To them, you’re a threat to their daughter’s privates, Private. So stand up straight and pay attention, or your relationship will be M.I.A. Remember, they can leave town at a second’s notice.
How To Win Them Over: Have a plan of action. Dinner at 1900 hrs. Movie at 2100 hrs. Back home by 2300 hrs on the dot. Also, if you have family that’s served, be it a grandfather who fought in the Pacific or a cousin who cooked in the Coast Guard, make sure to mention it. You’ll get additional points, and you didn’t even have to risk your neck on the battlefield.
2. The Party Parents
Man, these people are so cool, you just want to stay and chill with them. They smoke in the house, they tease your girlfriend the same way you do, and they don’t mind if you come home late because they’re probably still up entertaining guests in their kick-ass poker room. They don’t even bat an eye when you spend the night in her room. Score!
How To Win Them Over: It’s not hard to win over cool parents, unless you’re a total d*ck. Make sure to talk about your favorite bands with her father and always say “yes” when her mom offers you a microbrew. Just don’t have too many. You don’t want to alienate your girlfriend as the three of you dance on the kitchen table.
3. The Workaholic Parents
Ah, the perfect situation, because they’re never there. Your girlfriend basically has an entire house to herself, which is a palace to you after living with five roommates all semester. What do they do? Are they doctors? Lawyers? CIA? Maybe don’t ask too many questions and just enjoy this gift.
How To Win Them Over: The fact they’re never there might mean there’s some parental issues going on. They probably had no idea their daughter was dating someone in the first place. Hopefully, they’re nice when you finally meet them on your wedding day.
4. The Religious Parents
To them, there is no reason to date someone, in the Lord’s eyes, unless you are intending on marriage. They are always thinking of their daughter’s eternal soul, while you’re thinking about getting her alone for 20 minutes.
How To Win Them Over: When they ask if you’re a believer, just reply, “I have a heart, don’t I?” This will sound sincere, even though your ex-girlfriend tore it out years ago.
5. The Awkward Parents
These two are total dweebs and it’s hilarious. Her dad will hug you for about 10 seconds too long, then ask you to pull his finger. Her mom will immediately tell you about the time her daughter’s pants fell down at church, leaving your girlfriend to yell “OMG, please stop it!” at least 20 times that night. It’s a circus.
How To Win Them Over: Whatever you do, don’t hurt their feelings. Don’t be rude, or short, or ask them to let you out of that weird group hug you are trapped in. These are sensitive people. They just want you to like them. So be nice and say “thank you,” then you can get the hell out of there.