15 Ways To Tell Everyone Thinks You’re A D-Bag

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Photo via justsaypictures

Being a douche is like having B.O.: The worst offenders usually can’t smell it on themselves. Consider this your sniff test — here are 15 telltale signs that everyone around you thinks you’re a Grade-A d-bag.

1. You’re always the first (and only) person to compliment your new tattoo.

2. No one ever wants to ride in your truck, despite the fact that it’s taller and louder than everything else on the road.

3. You’re the only one of your friends who “knows the value of money” (by mentioning how much every single thing costs).

4. When you tell people how much you can bench press, they show their admiration by smiling and nodding.

5. After a great night of partying, people ask if you “always get like that.”

6. Most of the girls you’ve slept with must have terrible cell reception, because they never get any of your late-night texts.

7. …but thankfully you never wasted your time learning their names anyway.

8. Your roommate never laughs at that hilarious story about you punching a hole in the wall.

9. You crack up every time you see one of those joke “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” signs in a restaurant.

10. You’ve never used a pick-up line, because it’s easier to just throw your sweet bicep into a girl’s face.

11. You’ve always rooted for Biff when watching “Back To The Future.”

12. Everyone is too uptight to appreciate the fake testicles hanging from your truck.

13. Waitresses never give you good service even though you tell them they’re hot.

14. It continues to baffle you that clothing companies waste money on fabric for shirtsleeves.

15. You’re constantly surrounded by idiots who happen to be security guards ejecting you from places.

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.