How To Best Act Like Columbus On Columbus Day

A Tour Along San Francisco 49 Mile Scenic Drive
Credit: Getty Images

OK, so Christopher Columbus was kind of an a-hole: An imperialist, a kidnapper, a slave trader, a torturer, a syphilis-spreader…and he didn’t even really discover America. Still, if we have to celebrate a holiday in his name — thankfully, by missing work — then we can at least do a few things that he would have done himself…

1. Explore Something New

Columbus, ’til his dying day, actually thought he’d landed in Southeast Asia. But at least he was trying to find something new — that’s what explorers do. On this Columbus Day, why not explore a part of your city or state you’ve never been? From the great outdoors to a new bar or restaurant, the world is full of cool finds. And if you’re too lazy for that, just try a new sexual position.

2. Travel Without A Car

And we’re not talking about flying that blimp in “GTA V.” Get out of the house and take a boat or ferry somewhere weird. Or, if you don’t have your sea legs, ride a train as far as you can afford (and then figure out how to get home with an empty wallet). The world is your oyster…and you don’t have work ’til Tuesday morning.

3. Do Something That Scares You

Even if he didn’t quite know where his boats landed, Columbus took four ballsy voyages across the Atlantic, long before the days of Google Maps. What’s the most frightening thing you were planning to do on Monday? There should be plenty of haunted houses around for Halloween. Bonus points if you wear a Columbus costume while a dude chases you around with a chainsaw.

4. Drink Rum

Columbus’s ships were packed with barrels of wine and sherry, great for helping to survive the long, cold voyage into the unknown. Even better, when Columbus accidentally “discovered” the Bahamas, he also discovered a delicious new libation: Rum. Mix it with soda or blend a daiquiri to keep the scurvy away. Soon enough, you’ll be holding onto a spinning floor, reminding yourself that Columbus also proved the world ain’t flat.

+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Google+

Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.