How To Sneak Alcohol Into A College Football Stadium

9651401512_b815c512f9
Credit: Daniel Parks/Flickr

College football: Amateur athletics at its finest, with true gameday excitement on both the field and in the bleachers. So much better than the overly-sanitized NFL, right? Sure, except for the fact that, unlike the NFL, the concession stands can’t legally sell beer at virtually all college football stadiums across America.

Watching college football is fun, but not for four sober hours. Thus, you’re gonna have to learn how to sneak beer and/or booze into the big game. Please allow me to teach you. (And, if you’re gonna break stadium rules, don’t also break the law. You must be 21 years old or older to read this post.)

1. Be Uninhibited

If you were a well-raised boy like I was, you might be sheepish about breaking rules, even stupid ones you don’t agree with. Thus, you’re going to have to figure out a way to lose that meddlesome inhibition. Hmmm…what should we do? I know, how ’bout drinking a little of our liquor stash in the parking lot beforehand? You can even call it “tailgating,” if you don’t want to feel like a total f**k-up.

2. Pack Wisely

You’re going to want to utilize drinking vessels that are easily and efficiently brought into the stadium. A giant 40-ounce glass bottle of malt liquor? Negative. Minuscule airline-sized “nips” of 100-proof Irish whiskey? Now we’re talking. A simple rule of thumb is to opt for plastic over aluminum and aluminum over glass, in order to pack the most punch. Do you really want to go to all this effort for the pleasure of having a few “lite” beers at your seat?

3. Dress For Success

You’re also going to need to know what garments are good for smuggling in contraband. You may love your team, but gym shorts and full body paint aren’t your best bet…unless that body paint is actually alcohol-based and slowly entering your body through your pores, hmmmm.

Instead, with fall and winter approaching, opt for baggier wares: Hooded sweatshirts and jackets (toss a few beer cans in the hood), out-of-fashion cargo pants with undetectable pockets for stashing tiny bottles and flasks, perhaps even sturdy undergarments so you can smuggle your booze package right next to your, uh, package package.

4. Create A Diversion

You and your idiot buddies will need to devise a strategy for entering the stadium without being stopped by nosy security. Of course, your idiot buddies are a walking diversion, what with all their wisecracking antics, so if you just behave yourself while they bring attention on themselves, you may be able to sneak in unimpeded. Sure, throwing your friends under the bus breaks Guy Code, but they won’t care once inside if you share a few nips with them.

5. Provide A Decoy

One tried-and-true method of diversion is pulling out the classic bottle decoy. Instead of chugging your tailgate drink and then trashing it before you enter the stadium, bring it along with you, then nonchalantly try to get past security with it. Of course they’ll stop you and take your drink (“Don’t you know you can’t bring alcohol in here, son?!”), but they’ll also never assume some kid so cavalierly moronic would also be so devious as to hide countless other bottles on his person.

6. Show Restraint

Finally, if you’ve accomplished your goals and entered the stadium, you still need to be careful. No, it’s not time to brag to your nearby seatmates about your stash, nor is it time to get drunk and rowdy. If you want to watch all four quarters without getting carted off, show some restraint. Drink subtly — perhaps even consider mixing it into a concession stand cup of soda. Keep your boozy secret to yourself and you’ll have the most fun of anyone in the stadium…and you probably won’t even care when your terrible college loses yet another game.

+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Google+

Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.