The Dumbest Lies Guys Tell Women About Our Sexual Prowess

Credit: Skakerman/Flickr

Guys are so stupid, we think women are impressed with whatever it is we don’t have. So, we find ourselves lying about everything — lies about our job, our income, our hobbies, our intelligence, our beliefs…all that’s to be expected, even though a lot of girls would probably like you for who you really are inside. (Ahhhhhh.)

It only becomes truly embarrassing when we think we have to lie about how we are in bed. Take it from Charlamagne Tha God and sell yourself short in the bedroom, ’cause you don’t wanna have to live up to your own exaggerated bulls**t about…

1. Your Size

You make a big number up, thinking if she wants “proof,” you’re surely golden. The problem is, even you know it’s nothing to write home about, and she’ll just spend the whole night laughing. The only well-endowed part of you is that Pinocchio nose.

2. Number Of Partners

You don’t want her to think you’re a virgin, so you act like a total stud player. “Yeah, I’ve had sex with hundreds of women…wait, that grosses you out? OK, how about dozens then? A couple?” Like your bank balance, this is one number to keep to yourself.

3. How Skilled You Are

While still in the bar, you affect a macho swagger, bragging you know this position and that one. Heck, the latest edition of the Kama Sutra used you as a model. You claim you’ll show her hours of pleasure, totally rock her world — then you get home and try to blow her mind with…30 seconds of standard missionary.

4. Your Luxurious Bed

To get her home, you claim to have the most comfortable, sumptuous, silk-sheeted king-size. Then she gets back to your pad to find a dirty twin mattress with messy “Star Wars” sheets. Good luck fitting in it together.

5. What Happens Next

Of course, the saddest lie is what we tell girls we’ll be like after sex. We claim that we’ll cuddle, we’ll snuggle, we’ll spoon, we’ll talk about life, we’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms and then we’ll wake up as boyfriend and girlfriend the next day. Instead, it’s always simply: Orgasm zzzZzzzzZzzzz

At least keep your promise to cook her breakfast in the morning — you can do that, right?

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.