Facebook Statuses That Make You Sound Like A D-Bag

Photo via Guyism

It’s not that you are moronic — it’s just that your Facebook statuses are, which explains why your friend count keeps dropping. Don’t worry, we’re here to help a player out with some tips on how to not come across like a totally annoying dumbass through social media.

1. Anything With Emoticons

Smileys, winks, those characters that together look like a man shrugging…all of that needs to stop. Especially this tongue thing: “:-)~” You are not Gene Simmons from KISS.

2. Check-Ins At Places That Don’t Really Need To Be Announced

You’re at CVS, dude. We don’t care. Plus, who checks in at CVS? Oh, that’s right, someone who considers a trip to the pharmacy as “a night on the town” and/or someone picking up their herpes medication.

3. ODing On How Much You Love Your Girlfriend

Does your entire Facebook world center around “that special someone”? She’s going to dump you tomorrow. Just a heads up. Find a hobby or something.

4. Drunk Statuses On Most Weeknights

We know it’s called Happy Hour, but it sounds like Sad Bastard Hour if you’re telling everyone how “drunxx” you got every evening.

5. “Inspirational” Quotes

Leave that rah rah for your parents’ Facebook pages. Seriously. Come up with your own wisdom, don’t crib from Gandhi or the girl who wrote “Eat Pray Love.”

6. Sports-Related Wins That Say “We Did It!”

You’re not on the team.

7. “Candy Crush” Requests For More Lives

This game is just one step away from heroin. Keep that in mind. If you ask family and friends to “help you out,” just know that you sound like you’re one “fix” away from rehab.

8. You Just Hit The Gym…Again

Your body better be in pristine shape if you¬†constantly feel the need to tell everyone you’re working out. If not, people will assume you’re training to be “The Biggest Loser.” Literally.

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Kathy Iandoli (@Kath3000) constantly judges your Facebook statuses.