How To Get A Girl To Pay For A Date With Your Broke Ass

Credit: Gene Chutka

Hey man, times are rough. We’ve been in a recession for what feels like 115 years, and inflation has ruined every experience from dinner to the movies. That makes dating a liability more than an asset. Still, you want to get some ass(ets), so you can’t not date. If she has a steady cash flow and you don’t, here’s how to convince her to pick up the check without ditching you. We’re not saying you should feel proud, we’re just sayin’…

1. Claim You Spent Your Last $50 Donating To The ASPCA

Sarah McLachlan always touches your heart when she sings “Angel” like, well, an angel to those sad furry little animals in the ASPCA commercials. Brownie points if you tell the girl you miss the McLachlan-curated Lilith Fair. That’ll really get you laid.

2. Claim You’re Saving Up To Buy A House

With the price of a down payment, of course you can’t afford fancy dinners. But she’ll think you’re a responsible adult who’ll eventually have a house for her to live in rent-free. Carry around the real estate section of your local paper for effect.

3. Claim You’re European And Don’t Have Any Local Currency Yet

This only works on a first date, and if you’re really good at accents. When the check comes, put down a few British pounds. (You only need the equivalent of like $3. She won’t know the exchange rate unless she’s a bank teller.) Apologize for forgetting to exchange them when your flight landed from London. She’ll imagine traveling the world with you and happily cover the meal. Cheers.

4. Claim You’ve Been Robbed

Leave your billfold at home and start feeling around in your pockets like, “How DARE they steal my Hermes wallet!” She’ll be thinking, “Hermes? He’s rich…I can pay this time. He’ll pay me back with a Birkin bag.” Yeah, right.

5. Claim It’s Your Birthday

Who makes a guy pay on his birthday? Nobody, that’s who. (This trick obviously only works once a year, so it doesn’t apply to girls you plan on dating for very long.)

6. Claim You Just Got A Job Promotion

Same premise as the fake birthday — she’ll feel obligated to pay for your celebration, plus she’ll think it means you’re making more money to spend on her. The next time you see her, seem “so upset” because the promotion means the same salary but more responsibilities. She’ll feel sorry for you, and then buy you another dinner out of pity.

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Kathy Iandoli (@Kath3000) doesn’t pay for dates. Are you crazy?