What To Do At 3 A.M. BESIDES Texting Your Ex

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) Testifies At House Markup
Credit: Win McNamee/Getty Images

We’ve all been there: A night comes to a close, you’re in bed alone, and your mind starts racing. It’s been a couple months…you wonder what she’s up to. You fish your phone out of your pocket. Then, you put the perfect text together in your head: “u up?”

DON’T DO IT! We’re here to save you. Choose one of the following options instead of texting that ex at 3 a.m.

1. Spank It (Duh!)

We don’t need to state the obvious. You’re not texting your ex because you want an intelligent conversation about the mysteries of life. Back away from the phone. That Five-Second Happy Burst is not worth the hours/weeks of drama that are sure to follow.

2. Sleep It Off

You’re not thinking straight. It is 3 in the morning, after all. Think about all the other wise decisions people make at 3 in the morning. Right. You can’t, because they don’t exist. 3 a.m. is when fights break out at clubs and when the Cleveland Browns make personnel decisions. You’re not a Cleveland Brown, are ya? Of course not. Put the phone down.

3. Have Another

We’re not about to endorse the mass consumption of booze, but if you’re out and about, laughing at s**t that’s not that funny and throwin’ ‘em down ’til you either barf or text, at least barfing will rid your body of the poison. Texting just welcomes a different kind of poison back into your life.

4. Pig The F**k Out

No doubt you are familiar with stress eating. Here is a prime example. Basically, stress eating is cramming as many calories as doctors tell you not to eat, in order to shove down those pesky emotions that keep getting in the way of a good time. None of that salad bulls**t, either. Go hard: Tacos, pizza, burgers. You think your ex will be on your mind after an entire sack of sliders is clawing at your stomach? Neither do we.

5. Fire Up “GTA V”

Video games are a great release. They remove us from reality for a small while and provide us with the escapism that cartoons did when we were kids. “Grand Theft Auto V” is the hot title, but it really makes no difference. As long as you’re pushing your own buttons instead of your ex’s, you’re good. When the sun starts to come up and you’re completing another mission, you won’t even care that your ex is part of the reality you needed a break from.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.