Photo via Instagram
You don’t need an advanced mathematics degree to succeed at fantasy football. Instead use our patented formula, which accounts for a player’s ability to score on the field and off.
Maurice Jones-Drew vs. Bernard Pierce
Maurice Jones-Drew, also known as “MJD,” also known as “the only Jacksonville Jaguar worth considering starting unless you’re in a no-money league and want to get Blaine Gabbert in the mix for pure comedy,” is going to bounce back this week. Meanwhile, MJD’s wife is 50% Japanese, 50% Hawaiian and 100% hottie. Ashley Jones-Drew is a 9.0, and I predict MJD will put up 14.5 fantasy points going against the Colts at home, for a total of 22.5.
In his first NFL start, Bernard Pierce was able to rack up 12.5 fantasy points and succeeded off the field as he was not involved in the latest party bus incident. Teammate Jacoby Jones was injured when a stripper named “Sweet Pea” allegedly smashed him over the head with a champagne bottle. Bernard Pierce reportedly had his own drama with a stripper by the name of Johnni Blaze, whose pregnancy may have been faked, but whose ass is the real thing and she’s an 8.5. Throw that in with my 10.5 prediction for Bernard in Buffalo, and you have a combined 19.
Winner: Maurice Jones-Drew
Eric Decker vs. Julian Edelman
Eric Decker has the dream life. On the field, he’s getting it from Peyton Manning, racking up 30.2 fantasy points this year, and off the field he’s giving it to the super sexy Jessie James. As if this guy’s life wasn’t good enough this week, he’s matched up against Chip Kelly and the Philadelphia Eagles, whose defensive backfield is as thin as the air in Mile High. Decker will go for 17.5 and Jessie James is a once-in-a-lifetime prospect at 10.5, for a total of 28.
With Tom Brady‘s favorite targets either injured or incarcerated, Julian Edelman has stepped up as a prime fantasy candidate this year, earning 35.8 points so far. Model Alanna Leonard is from Miami, but I’m sure any Patriots fan could easily forget that after seeing this babe. She was spotted at charity event with Edelman, but I predict the Atlanta defense won’t be as giving this week. I’ve got Julian pegged for only 8.5 points. Combine that with Alanna’s 9.5 and you’ve got a solid 17.
Winner: Eric Decker