How To Get Your Girlfriend Out Of The House Faster

Credit: Jacquie Boyd

It’s 6:55 p.m. and the movie starts at 7:00. You should be buying popcorn right now, but instead you’re home, on the couch, checking your watch again. From the other room, her voice keeps assuring you, “Almost ready!” But unfortunately, you know better.

You don’t have to live like this forever. Here are five ways to get your girlfriend out of the house faster.

1. Tell Her She Looks Hot In The First Outfit She Puts On

Do not wait for her to ask you. By the time she asks whether her butt looks big in this dress, her brain has already started down the endless spiral of searching for the perfect, unattainable outfit. Make her feel confident right away, and save both of you from endless wardrobe changes.

2. If She Wants Your Opinion, Pretend To Have One

“I don’t care,” is not a good answer to “Hair up or down?” Pick one and sound certain, even if you wouldn’t even notice the difference. For example, “Down…I love when you wear your hair down.”

3. Do Not Turn On The TV

This isn’t your first rodeo, so it makes sense that you’d turn on “SportsCenter” while she finishes whatever it is she’s doing in the bathroom. However, hearing the volume will only make her feel that she has plenty of time, since you are clearly occupied. Instead, quietly check scores on your phone, so that she knows you’re ready to go.

4. Save The Cocktails ‘Til You’re Out Of The House

There’s nothing like a nice glass of wine to make a girl turn “freshening up” into a long, luxurious makeover. Stick to water until she’s fully dressed and you’re both (finally) in public.

5. Downplay The Importance Of Where You’re Going

Phrases like “nice restaurant” and “fancy event” are translated in girls’ heads to “never enough make up” and “try on every dress I own.” Instead, stick to vaguer, low-key terminology like “grabbing a bite” and “stopping by a friend’s thing.”

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.