15 Horrible Predictions For How ‘Breaking Bad’ Will End

AMC Celebrates The Final Episodes Of "Breaking Bad" - Arrivals
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We haven’t calmed down from the intensity of last week’s “Breaking Bad,” and with only two episodes left, there’s still plenty the show has to address. Why does Walt buy himself a machine gun for his 52nd birthday? What happens to his family? Is he going to live or die in the finale? Everybody has predictions, and anything can happen, so here are our wildest guesses…

1. Walt uses the ricin to go back and finish off Ted Beneke for having sex with his wife.

2. The white supremacists lose Walt’s $70 million after “investing” in lottery tickets.

3. After Walt’s criminal history hits the news, Skyler signs a contract with VH1 to appear on the new show “Meth Wives.”

4. While cooking meth, Todd and his chained prisoner Jesse realize they enjoy this dominant/submissive dynamic in ways they don’t completely understand.

5. Walt actually hasn’t faked his own death, and is just hitchhiking across the country like he planned to do after college.

6. Elliot and Gretchen Schwartz (of Gray Matter, Walt’s former company) make headlines for donating money to Skyler and Flynn after Walt’s story goes public. In a rage, Walt creates a YouTube video to mock the company, titled “Fecal Matter.”

7. Walt actually buys the machine gun for Flynn as another high-end birthday present to show he’s still a cool dad.

8. Unable to cope with his father’s secret life, Flynn begins using meth and becomes friends with Badger and Skinny Pete.

9. We never find out what happens to Walt, but in the final scene, Todd finally gets the courage to ask Lydia out on a date. She rejects him.

10. Los Pollos Hermanos goes back in business after debuting a chicken sandwich that has ranch tortilla chips instead of bread.

11. The firemen return Holly to Skyler. She and Marie both have flings with two of them.

12. Walt goes back into the diner because he realizes that he left a $100 bill instead of $10 bill.

13. Walt’s enemies kidnap Skyler. He saves her with the machine gun. She’s all, “You’re my hero,” forgives him for all the horrible stuff he did, they never speak of it again and live happily ever after.

14. Racked with grief, Marie realizes she’s not that crazy about purple after all.

15. Saul delivers a eulogy at Walter White’s funeral that moves everyone to tears.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.