10 Ways To Know If You’re Attending A Party School

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Credit: Keith Parker/Flickr

College was originally designed to help usher the nation’s youth into responsible adulthood, but now it’s just where you go to escape your parents’ rules against partying, girls in your room and random property destruction. Of course, some schools are bigger party destinations than others. If you were planning on serious academic achievements (or actually finishing your degree), then you may want to avoid campuses where…

1. The professor of your 8 a.m. class always has a hangover.

2. Even the computer science majors are having sex.

3. The most widely used drug among the student body is Alka-Seltzer.

4. The last graduating class got a commencement speech delivered by Tucker Max.

5. Your need-based scholarship covers your bar tabs.

6. The student newspaper’s front page headline reads, “2 DRUNKK CANT TYPE RITE NOW [sad smiley emoticon]”

7. The dean is The Most Interesting Man in the World.

8. The lab for your human sexuality class is located at some strange bar near the airport called “Streakers.”

9. The only phrases you learn in Spanish class are “More shots please,” “Sorry that I puked there” and “Another lap dance?”

10. Your freshman orientation pamphlet is titled, “Hey Everybody, We’re All Gonna Get Laid!”

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Danny Gallagher (@thisisdannyg) is a writer, humorist, reporter and keg stand spotter.