10 Headlines You’ll See If Penis Gourds Become Fashionable

penis-gourd
Photo: blip.tv

Well, it’s September, and that means the air gets cool, the leaves get crunchy and everybody is dusting off his penis gourd. Wait, you mean you don’t have one? Well, you’re missing out. The penis gourd, or koteka, is worn by certain tribal groups in the highlands of New Guinea as a traditional covering for the genitals. And that’s pretty much all they wear. (What more do you need besides a dried squash tied to your junk?) Penis gourds can have elaborate designs and terrifying, pointy shapes. They completely cover the penis, but leave the scrotum exposed to the open air, which sounds kinda nice, until you learn that there is a string cinched around the gonads, securing the long, unwieldy codpiece in place.

Penis gourds never  gained traction in America as a fashion choice. But what if they did? What if, all of the sudden, it was all the rage to rock a koteka on your crotch for fall of 2013? Here are 10 possible headlines illustrating the chaos that would ensue.

1. Accidental Castration At an All-time High

2. Woman Accuses Blind Date of False Advertising

3. Florida Woman Relieved That New Boyfriend’s Penis Is Not Shaped Like a Bugle

4. Man Stops to Feed Horse, Penis Gourd Bitten Clean Off

5. Elderly Viagra User Unable To Remove His Penis Gourd For Days

6. Men No Longer Encouraged to Take Yoga

7. Man Pops Water Bed with Codpiece, Drowns

8. “Sword Fights” No Longer Just a Joke, Really Happening

9. Man Ruins Jack-O-Lantern Festival by Humping “Vagina Pumpkins”

10. Haunted Houses Way More Frightening than They Have Been in Years

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.