20 Horrible Responses For When She Says ‘I Love You’

Credit: Stephen Chernin/Getty Images

When your girlfriend says that she loves you, the only good answer you can give — the only answer that won’t make things awkward — is “I love you, too.” But if that’s not how you really feel, whether you’ve been a couple for years or mere weeks, then here are 20 others that might come to mind, even though you definitely should never say any of them.

1. “Thanks!”

2. “I love me, too.”

3. “With everything that’s going on in Syria right now, it’s hard for me to commit a lot of mental and emotional energy to our relationship.”

4. “Liar!”

5. “Look out behind you!” (Run out the door, leave town, start a new life.)

6. “Does this mean we’re ‘dating?'”

7. “That’s what the last girl said, and she ended up cheating on me. Are you cheating on me? What’s his name?!”

8. “I’m married to the sea.”

9. “I…really like you. Like, really like you. I like you so much — I wish there were a word somewhere between ‘like’ and ‘love.’ I adore you! Does that work?

10. “And I love you, (inaudibly mumble the name of the best player on your fantasy football team).”

11. “If you really loved me, you’d recognize that I am terrified of intimacy and you wouldn’t have said that in the first place.”

12. “And yet, you said we can’t have a threesome. How can both of those statements be true?”

13. “Are we role-playing right now?”

14. “Gross!”

15. “I love you, as I love all of God’s glorious creations.”

16. “I think you’re really neat.”

17. “Great! Can I borrow $20?”

18. “Ha ha! You’re so funny.”

19. “That makes me happy. I don’t deserve to be happy. I will now begin sabotaging this relationship.”

20. “I love you, too!” (Even though you were planning on ending the relationship before Halloween).

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.