5 Signs You’re Taking Fantasy Football Too Seriously

Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images

Fantasy football can be a great way to stay in touch with friends and make even the most inconsequential football game exciting. It can also be a great way to destroy your friendships and make you distraught over the outcome of a Jaguars vs. Oakland game, even though you’re a Giants fan.

Like all good things in life, moderation is required — or else fantasy sports will destroy your real life. Here are signs that it’s time to watch a TV drama or sitcom instead…

1. You’ve Become An Expert At Microsoft Excel

Making a spreadsheet for the draft (and creating your own complicated formula to rank potential starters) is one thing, but keeping it updated all year is a little much. At least now you’ve got skills that can get you an office job, so you’ll have something else to do with your time besides reading Matthew Berry columns.

2. You Think Everyone’s Against You

After two people in your league make a trade for a player you wanted, you suspect they’re doing it just to spite you. You accuse them of plotting to work together to keep you out of the playoffs. Eventually your paranoia becomes so great that you accuse Larry Fitzgerald via Twitter of intentionally dropping a pass because it hurts your team.

3. You Start Talking Like You’re On ESPN

Fantasy football is basically all about luck and random chance. If you ever find yourself telling a friend that you’ve got to “take this one game at a time” or that you “need a quarterback to survive in today’s NFL,” you’ve got to tone it down a bit.

4. You Know Every Team’s Backup Running Back

Unless you’re a Rams fan, you probably shouldn’t know who Benny Cunningham is. Nothing against Benny, but there are too many players in the NFL and too few hours in the day to know who all the running backs are. Revealing that you’ve done such extensive research should be a source of embarrassment, not pride.

5. You’re Secretly Rooting Against Your Own Team

This is the greatest of all fantasy football sins. If everyone else at the bar could hear your inner cheers while the opposing quarterback threw another touchdown, they would pummel you mercilessly. Remember, the only team that you should truly care about is the one from the town you happened to be born in.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.