America’s Top Party Schools: What To Tell Your Parents

Iowa State v Iowa
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The Princeton Review just released its annual list of the top 10 party schools in America. Students across the nation will be salivating to get a ticket to Party U., but parents might need some convincing to help cover tuition. Here’s an excuse for each school to trick your folks into thinking you wanna go to college to “learn.”

Lehigh University

“It’s a small private school in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. You know who else came out of Bethlehem and never sinned?”

Penn State

“It’s one of the largest public colleges on the East Coast — with so many students, I’ll never make it to the front of a keg line.”

University of Wisconsin

“Look at that cute little badger — how could he ever let anybody cut class?”

Ohio University

“Mom, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who knows this school even exists.”

University of Florida

“I just want to walk the steps Tim Tebow walked.”

Syracuse University

“It’s so far away from civilization, how could I do anything but study?”

West Virginia University

“It’s not some crazy party state like Virgina…it’s WEST Virginia!”

University Of Illinois At Urbana-Champagne

“By the time I’m done telling people the name of my school, all the good parties will be over.”

University of California-Santa Barbara

“What better place to learn about the environment than the beach?”

University Of Iowa

“Seriously, Mom and Dad, nobody’s had fun in Iowa since the ’40s.”

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and Olympic semi-finalist.