10 Signs You’re Back At College

Guy Carries Books for Girlfriend
Credit: UpperCut Images

The pools are closed, your suntan has faded and summer is already beginning to feel like a distant memory. Check off three or more items from the following list, and you can stop pinching yourself — a new school year has, indeed, begun.

1. You took a girl out to dinner…by swiping her into the cafeteria.

2. The average crack den is cleaner than where you’re showering.

3. You haven’t slept in three days. And then you’ve slept for three days straight.

4. Wi-Fi works when you want to stream every season of “Breaking Bad,” but slows to a crawl without warning when you actually have to research a paper.

5. You’re forced to stalk people on the way to their cars like a serial killer just to secure a parking spot.

6. An overweight dude with a flashlight, who makes you sign in late at night, thinks he’s a real cop.

7. Every girl around is wearing Toms, Sperrys or Uggs.

8. You have to s**t two minutes after eating lunch.

9. This is “dancing.”

10. Beer is somehow cheaper than water.

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Ethan Fixell (@EthanFixell) is a writer and comedian from New York.