The Iron Sheik’s Tips On Being A Real Man [INTERVIEW]

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The Iron Sheik is not only a former Olympian and pro wrestling champion, but also arguably the most entertaining man on Twitter. His tweets are a running 24/7, very NSFW pop-culture roast. If he likes you, Sheikie Baby may refer to you as “bubba” and say he “loves you forever.” But if you ruffle the Iranian strongman’s feathers, he’ll mercilessly mock you in 140 characters or less, just like he’s done to Jose Canseco and Zach Braff.

A true man’s man if ever there were one, we asked the Iron Sheik — world’s foremost authority on masculinity — for some tips on being a better guy.

Sheikie baby, you’re legendary not only for your in-ring career, but also for your mustache. Is having a glorious mustache a sign of true manliness?
Thank you, bubba. You know I am the legend. Iron Sheik mustache world-class, just like Iron Sheik. Everybody remember the legend and the legend mustache. That way they know what real man look like. They forever remember me as someone who can beat the f**k out of anybody. When you grow the balls to walk around with mustache like mine, than you know you make the hall of fame.

What about Hulk Hogan? What are your thoughts on his mustache?
Hulk Hogan mustache not like the legend mustache. He Hollywood blond jabroni “Howdy Doody” mustache. In wrestling match, my mustache put his mustache in camel clutch, break its back, make it humble any day! Never insult the legend!

Sheik, do real men cry?
You ask excellent, excellent question. Real man have real balls and the real balls show the real feeling. You cry for the real reason, I love you. But if you cry because of dumb b**ch who treat you like jabroni, or if you watch the bulls**t jabroni movie “The Notebook,” then you can forever go f**k yourself!

Which celebrity would you like to put in a camel crutch and make cry right now?
My dream to make the Michael Bolton cry, suplex his head, then beat the f**k out of him with my camel clutch! He make music to insult all man in the world. People only listen to his music when they go to bathroom.

You have several archenemies on Twitter, two of whom are Justin Bieber and Chris Brown. Of the two, which one is more of a man?
Both not man! The Justin Bieber, entertainment-wise, he good. But he not the Elvis Presley, he not the Frank Sinatra, he not the Rob Thomas. One day, maybe, but no, he not ready for hall of fame.

You often reference ’80s WWF star Virgil on your Twitter. Do you think Virgil is a real man?
Virgil a dumb son of a bitch! You know I am the legend, so respect the legend or go f**k yourself.

If Hollywood ever wised up and made a feature film about your amazing life, is there any actor manly enough to play the role of Iron Sheik?
You ask excellent, excellent question. Toughest job in the world to be Iron Sheik. Only one Iron Sheik. I be happy if the Tom Hanks or the James Franco or the Mark Wahlberg or the Rob Corddry or the Denzel Washington be the Iron Sheik. They all know what real man is. One person never be the legend is that no-good son of a b**ch lowlife piece of s**t Mel Gibson! F**k him, I never respect him!

What is the manliest thing any guy can do?
Gold medal or heavyweight champion, bubba.

All real men should obviously donate to the production of your upcoming documentary, “Iranian Legend: The Iron Sheik Story.” What can we expect with the film?
You said it perfect, bubba. You support my movie or you are not real man. My movie come from the heart. My movie come from the legend, who come from oldest country in world to live America dream. I do everything in my life to entertain the people and to be toughest man in the world! I have ups, I have down, but I come back up again. Every hundred year, one mother make baby like the Michael Jackson, the Jay Z or the Mike Tyson. Also, like the Iron Sheik.

I love you forever if you help Iron Sheik stay the legend forever. You help me and I promise my fans I always take care them.

Thank you for your time, Sheikie Baby. You are the one true legend. As you would say, “%1000.”
God bless you forever. You are intelligent. You know I am the legend.

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.