Illustrations by Bryan Hollingsworth
The promise of smoked meats, slowly cooked over an open flame, can bring together people from all walks of life. Unfortunately, some of those “walks of life” are more like Douche Bag Boulevard. Here are guys who don’t even deserve a microwaved hot dog…
1. The Political Loudmouth
Going to a barbecue makes you feel like a good ol’ fashioned American, but don’t exercise your First Amendment rights in everybody’s faces. Some fiery political talking heads spend weeks sitting in front of their computers, gathering up “news” from left- or right-leaning blogs, and then spew what little knowledge they have like a fine mist of bile-filled vomit. The rest of us want to enjoy a meal, not an argument.
2. The Ridiculous Drunk
Of course, drunks can show up at just about any social occasion, but they’re especially annoying at barbecues, ’cause they eat all your expensive food and no amount of brisket sandwiches can sober them up.
3. The Proud Vegetarian
We’ll politely respect your animal-free diet as long as you respect our animal-filled one. But if you’re gonna call us “cow-murderers” all afternoon, why did you show up to a barbecue? What were you expecting? A summer squash roast? Stop guilt-tripping us, and stuff your mouth with a hamburger bun or something.
4. The Expert Griller
You could be a chef at a four-star restaurant, and this “expert” will still lecture you on how to cook everything. He hovers over your shoulder, warning you about the dangers of pressing with your spatula and notifying you when it’s time to flip the meat over. He thinks he’s helping you create a better meal, but all he’s creating for you is a bigger headache.
5. The Broke Food Hoarder
It doesn’t matter if you’re down on your luck in this s**tty economy — hiding your friend’s rolls and chicken wings in your pockets is way more shameful than begging for spare change on a street corner.