How to Pretend You’ve Been Keeping Up With The NFL This Off-Season

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You don’t have to be a number-spewing chatterbox to hold your own in an NFL convo. With Week 1 staring right into our suntanned faces, it’s understandable if you neglected to collect any info about the league the past 2 months. With these suggestions, you’ll be able to keep up with your buddies without looking like some new jack fan that just learned what a nickel defense is.

Mention Tim Tebow’s Name

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It honestly doesn’t matter what the context is. If you exhale with puffed cheeks, look at the ground, then simply say, “And Tim frikkin’ Tebow, huh?” someone is bound to offer an opinion that you can latch on to for the next five minutes. Whether it’s a positive or negative one makes no difference. You’ll have enough information to say at least something.

Remark How Good Peyton Manning Looks on the Field

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Everyone knows Peyton Manning is one of the league’s best QB’s. It’s hardly ever disputed (unless you live in New England). When some dude brings up the NFL and what you think going into this season don’t panic. Just say, “Well, Peyton looks good.” The rest will take care of itself.

Say the Jets Suck

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The knowledge of the Jets being horrible is equivalent to that song everyone’s loved for the past two months. Everyone knows it, everyone nods in rhythmic agreement, and unless your 80 years old, you completely go along with it regardless of what information you have.

DO NOT Predict a Sleeper Team

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We feel that this is sound advice for all football fans. Honestly, today’s “sleeper team” is tomorrow’s overrated pile of injured players (read: the 2012 Detroit Lions). However, if you haven’t been keeping up in the off-season, this will be the biggest tell you have no idea what you’re talking about. You’ll get tons of scrunched foreheads or SMH’s when you predict a team that is 1) already great and expected to do well, or 2) a team that has the same chances as an asthmatic winning a marathon (read: the 2013 Oakland Raiders).

Mention the Giants or Ravens Defense

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This is easy. People start talking about football and you can simply ask what they think about either of these two teams’ defense. Will they be good? Bad? Healthy? Who cares? You just got everyone talking and deflected away from the fact that you have no idea about either.

Jump on the Colin Kaepernick Bandwagon

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When in doubt, join in the chorus of fans singing Colin Kaepernick‘s praises. Buzz words like “breakout year” and “smart quarterback with speed” should be used as often as possible if you wanna pass it off like you know what you’re talking about. If you can pull this off, you deserve an Oscar.

Wonder Out Loud If RGIII Can Stay Healthy

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Another trendy topic of conversation bound to keep attention away from your lack of NFL knowledge. RGIII, known for making exciting plays and with the weight of the entire Redskins organization on his back, is seen as an elite player IF he can stay healthy. That’s IF…he can stay healthy. IF. IF. One more time: IF. See? Sounds smart.

Anything Involving the Cowboys or Ask, “How ’bout them Cowboys?”

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Yep, “America’s Team.” Therefore, America talks about the Cowboys with a love ‘em/hate ‘em approach. No matter what side you choose, you’re bound to be amongst people with something to say about the team. Dallas seems to bring the best and worst out of people. It’s the easiest way to play the fence when you have no idea what you’re doing.

“It’s gonna be a crazy season”

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This is a time-honored quote from people who talk sh*t all day and all night. It is the most universal statement anyone can make regarding the NFL’s Week 1. Go ahead, say it. Give it a shot the next time everyone’s talking about football. It’s almost like magic the way it makes people talk and makes you look like you’ve been reading up on previews all week long.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.