2013 NFL Team Previews As Haikus

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NFL Kickoff is tomorrow night. Soon we’ll have four months of Sundays when we ignore smart life choices, glue our asses to our couches, eat an entire farm’s worth of chicken wings, drink “Animal House“-like quantities of beer and make our girlfriends question why they can’t just marry their gay best friend.

It’s time to yell at the TV! It’s time curse an offensive tackle’s entire family because he missed a blocking assignment! It’s time to really half-ass work on Mondays! It’s time to read fantasy football stats closer than you read your last employee contract!

Before that happens, though, we want to make you feel intelligent. That’s why we’re presenting you some poetry. Not any of that Shakespeare or Maya Angelou crap though. We’ve condensed our NFL knowledge into the quick, artistic 5-7-5 format of haikus to give you the only NFL Preview worth reading.

NFC NORTH

by Charlie Kasov

Detroit Lions
Underwhelming Bush
bankrupts team in bankrupt town
Or Calvin steps up

Chicago Bears
Fat guys crowd O line
A coaching system we call
“Cutler Insurance”

Green Bay Packers
The Pack’s sack attack
contains Perry and Matthews
Don’t mess with those nuts

Minnesota Vikings
A ring-less team prays
Adrian’s troubled knee won’t
Bury their season

NFC WEST

by Ryan McKee

Arizona Cardinals
Palmer, Fitz, New Coach
P.P., H. Badger… strong team?
Or is it heat stroke?

San Francisco 49ers
Their 2nd WR
after Boldin? Kaepernick
doesn’t know either.

Seattle Seahawks
Wilson will win, if
his defense isn’t booted
for PED use.

St. Louis Rams
RG3 versus
Bradford? Jeff Fisher should’ve
bet on black like Snipes.

NFC EAST

by R.G. Daniels

Dallas Cowboys
Romo’s extended
Coach Garrett in the hot seat
Bad news for the ‘Boys

New York Giants
Big Blue question mark
Home team in the Super Bowl?
Not a chance this year

Philadelphia Eagles
Here we go again
Rookie coach + Michael Vick
Season over quick

Washington Redskins
Shanahan’s dreams are:
“RG3! RG3! Yay!
I love RG3!!!!!”

NFC SOUTH

by Neal Statsny

New Orleans Saints
Who dat say gonna
Beat them Saints? Just any team
That starts an offense.

Atlanta Falcons
So near Super Bowl
That Tony Gonzalez came
Back for more failure

Carolina Panthers
Try to imagine
A world where Cam Newton has
Less rings than Delhomme.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
All hope lies with Josh
Freeman. At least Doug Martin
Gets fantasy points.

AFC NORTH

by Zachary Sims

Cincinnati Bengals
The pride of “Hard Knocks”
James Harrison still scary
But Dalton still Dork

Pittsburgh Steelers
Can Big Ben rebound?
If he can’t, Tomlin will still
be a tough bad ass.

Baltimore Ravens
Defending champs but
No Ray, no Ed, no Boldin
Better bring deer spray

Cleveland Browns
Are they still a team?
Seriously, they still are?
K, if you say so

AFC WEST

by Michael Pomranz

Denver Broncos
Peyton Manning’s arm
Throwing to Wes Welker’s hands
Kills weak division

Kansas City Chiefs
Big off-season moves
Andy Reid’s got stuff to prove
So does Alex Smith

San Diego Chargers
Rivers is a mess
Leads underachievers to
More disappointment

Oakland Raiders
How bad is this team?
Thank a sad AFC West
If they win four games

AFC EAST

by Michael Pomranz

New York Jets
Sanchez? Geno Smith?
Quarterback controversy
They both suck; Jets suck

New England Patriots
Top pass catchers gone
Some traded, some murderers?
Brady will be fine

Miami Dolphins
Silly new logo
Philbin, Tannehill are back
Second year a charm?

Buffalo Bills
6 and 10 last year
New quarterbacks, rookie coach
6 and 10 this year

AFC SOUTH

by Sean Green

Houston Texans
Beat by Belichick
JJ Watt you talking about
Make or break Matt Schaub

Jacksonville Jaguars
Still a football team
Maurice Jones Drew really screwed
Fourth place here we come!

Tennessee Titans
Barely beat the Jets
CJ2K is Fantasy Crack
Lost to the Jaguars!

Indianapolis Colts
No need for Peyton
As Luck would have it, pretty good
Beat by the Super Ravens

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