10 Apple Cider Brands Trying WAY Too Hard To Sound Badass

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Credit: Alice Carrier/Flickr

Even though hard cider sales are up a staggering 88% this year, only 33% of guys are buying. Many dudes consider it a beverage for weaklings afraid of beer’s awesome bitterness and carbs. But if cider was manly enough for George Washington, then it’s sure as hell manly enough for us. That said, cider manufacturers seem a little too desperate to market their products to the male demographic. We’re happy to drink the stuff, but some brands need to quit the pandering, ’cause seriously, it’s just fruit juice.

Angry Orchard

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Credit: Angry Orchard

When we hear the word “angry,” you know what comes to mind? The Incredible Hulk. You know what doesn’t? Apples, a rich source of vitamin C and motherly approval.

Bull Run Cider

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Credit: Bull Run Cider

Spain’s Running of the Bulls is one of the most perilous rituals in the world, a chance for adrenaline-junkie masochists to risk a trampling from massive beasts for no good reason. The only “medium dry” thing about it is when all the blood starts to crust in the street.

Cigar City Cider

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Credit: Cigar City Cider

If Cigar City were an actual place, the taps would indisputably flow with Scotch, not cider.

Colonel Ricketts Hard Cider

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Credit: Colonel Ricketts Hard Cider Winery

“Colonel” is a manly job, and rickets is a manly disease (sunshine is for wimps), but unfortunately the real-life Colonel Ricketts was long-dead when this cider hit the market.

3 Hammers

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Credit: 3 Hammers

Brag to your friends about getting “hammered” on beer. Don’t boast about guzzling too many antioxidants.

Hardcore

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Credit: Hardcore

“Core.” Nice pun. You know what isn’t hardcore? Puns.

Moonshine White Cider

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Credit: Moonshine White Cider

“Moonshine”? “MOONSHINE”?! No. Just, no.

White Strike

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Credit: White Strike

This sounds less like a mild refreshment and more like a terrifying Aryan supremacist group.

Aaron Burr Cider

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Credit: Aaron Burr Cider

If you’re challenging other guys to duels after sipping a little cider, you’re too much of a lightweight to own a firearm.

Northern Spy

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Credit: Eve’s Cidery

Yeah, James Bond isn’t trading his signature vodka martinis for this. (Where to purchase these ridiculously named beverages? Why, at Pittsburgh’s ARSENAL Cider House.)

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog