Things You Won’t Do Anymore Now That Football Season Is Here

Credit: Mark Roy/Flickr

The NFL has finally started again, and that can only mean one thing — your weekends are now booked solid ’til Super Bowl Sunday on February 2, 2014. Say goodbye to plenty of other activities for the next five months…some of them thankfully.

1. Eating healthy food

On football Saturdays and Sundays, whether you’re tailgating with buddies or watching TV at home by yourself, beer is now for breakfast. And lunches and dinners will probably cease to exist; instead you’ll spend entire weekends subsisting entirely on a never-ending smorgasbord of buffalo wings, bratwursts and pizza deliveries.

2. Exercising

Your awful diet will be a great match for your awful fitness routine. Who has time to meet friends in the park for flag football, or even jog a lap around the block, when you can watch millionaires on TV do similar stuff? Better to just veg out on the couch — you won’t risk injury…or risk getting worn out. No, the only exercise you might get during the NFL season is doing a keg stand in the stadium parking lot.

3. Wearing fashionable clothes

You’re an adult — sort of — and during the summer, you dressed respectfully enough. You weren’t Don Draper, but you had some style. But now you’re waking up early Saturday morning and throwing on a jersey or a sweatshirt with your favorite team’s logo on it. You won’t remove that article of clothing until you have to get dressed for work on Monday. Sometimes, you even talk yourself into believing this piece of overpriced fabric means you’re truly a part of the team.

4. Participating in organized religion

On weekends, your house of worship is suddenly your favorite team’s football stadium. If it’s a close game, you’ll be saying a lot of prayers and perhaps even wishing for a Hail Mary. We’d like to think God will understand.

5. Focusing on your girlfriend

Even if God does understand your passion, your significant other might not. Very few girls want to date a guy who’s a football-watching zombie for half the year, and who can’t hold a conversation without keeping at least one eye glued to the TV screen. (At least now you’ll have an excuse for skipping brunch.) If she threatens to dump your ass, just remember: You may love Tom Brady, but he doesn’t love you back.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.