The 5 Laziest Things You Can Do On Labor Day

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Credit: Hugh Lunnon/Flickr

Labor Day, that one day of the year when we celebrate (…visits Wikipedia…) uh, labor. And how best to honor one of the most awful things in the world, work? By rightfully being as lazy as humanly possible. It’s your final vacation day of the summer, so expend zero effort and spend it…

Not leaving the house

Have friends invited you to the beach? Or a backyard BBQ? Sure, those things could be fun, but they also involve a little work. By the time you’ve gotten ready, packed all the gear or groceries you’ll need, left the house and done some driving, you’re already exhausted. “Fun” shouldn’t be so tiring — and it won’t be if you lazily refuse to leave that hovel you call a home.

Not changing clothes

Of course, you can’t be laziness personified if you take the time to get dressed. Whatever you wore to bed the previous night (which might very well be what you wore out the previous day) is your ideal outfit for Monday. Sleep in your skivvies? Make it through the entire holiday pantless. Sleep in the buff? Just keep your blinds closed, perv.

Lying in a hammock

Hammocks are relics of the good ol’ days, back before people had e-mail, smartphones, and thousands of acquaintances constantly hitting them up on social media. Back then, it was acceptable to go off by yourself and spend all day napping in a piece of cloth stretched between two trees. Being lazy wasn’t looked down upon and was actually celebrated. Why not revisit those times? Don’t you dare even consider bringing your phone with you — no one wants to see an Instagram of your feet.

Ordering delivery for every meal

American holidays tend to revolve around food, and Labor Day is no exception. It’s that final day of the summer, so you’re expected to spend it noshing on typical Americana: Burgers, hot dogs and “salads” (egg salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, etc.) that utilize mayonnaise instead of lettuce.

Still, grilling food is a lot of work. If you want to be ultimately lazy — and a bit of an assh**e — make the few people who actually have to work today (i.e. restaurant deliverymen) bring you breakfast, lunch, dinner and maybe even a snack in-between.

Being an adult baby

Laying in your underwear in that hammock, a delivery carton of food on your belly and a cold brew in your hand…man, that’s going to feel like you’ve achieved peak laziness. Until, ugh, nature calls. A normal, civilized person would get up to hit the head, but you’re not a normal person – you’re Mr. Lazy Labor Day. So what are we saying? If you truly want to be the laziest man in the world, just say f**k it and wear an adult diaper.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.