Why Labor Day Is The Best Weekend To Have A Staycation

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Credit: Cavan Images

Labor Day’s the last big holiday of the summer, so it’s tempting to skip town for one final adventure — but that just means you’ll hit relaxation-erasing traffic both ways. (Besides, that motel room has a summer’s worth of stank the maids just couldn’t clean up fully.) Here’s why it’s best to stay home and chill over the three-day weekend…

Empty Movie Theaters

The big summer blockbusters have already been released, so you won’t have to deal with opening weekend crowds. Pick any seat you want and enjoy the A/C in blissful solitude.

Barbecuing

Remember July 4th, when you woke up so late that the only things left at the grocery store were vegetarian “not dogs”? This time, you’ll have better luck picking up good burger meat and chips. Invite your boys over and be the pit master to end all pit masters.

Partying

The problem with throwing a party when everybody’s in town is that too many people come over and someone will destroy your house. It’s science: When certain douche bags get claustrophobic, they have to punch walls and poop in the top part of your toilet. This weekend, though, you can throw the perfect party. Not so big that people will break stuff, and not so small that you’ll want to break stuff out of boredom.

Baseball

For some dudes (this author included), baseball is most appreciated in November when it’s finally over and there’s no game-day traffic to worry about anymore. For others, it’s when the cartoonishly long season starts to heat up. Even if your team is garbage this year, enjoy watching the teams in playoff contention duke it out all weekend.

Fantasy Football Research

The NFL preseason ends Friday, and you’ll have to wait a week ’til the regular season begins. This sudden withdrawal can lead to cold sweats, but — while everybody else in your fantasy league wastes their time on vacation — you can hit the books and study like crazy on all the strategies you want to employ this year. This should give you a leg up on winning the pot at the end of the season. (If you’re in a fantasy league with no actual money at stake, don’t waste this weekend studying.)

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.