How To Deal With Being Sexiled

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Photo: FAIL Blog

It’s bound to happen one of these nights: Whether it’s a sock on the door or a text instructing you to not come home, your roommate will be getting some action, which means you’ll be getting kicked out. Sure, it sucks to feel unwelcome in your own room, but here are five ways to make the most out of being sexiled…

1. Find A Girl Who’ll Let You Sleep In Her Room

Rather than viewing this as an inconvenience, look at it as the perfect opportunity to score some pity sex. Bring your sad little blanket up to the common room and look as pathetic as possible until some sweet girl hears your tale of woe and offers to let you post up in her dorm.

2. Actually Do Your Homework For Once

Technically, you’re at school to get schooled. If the campus library is open all night, hit the books hard so you can spend the rest of the week playing video games and day drinking.

3. Invite A Girl To A Midnight Movie

You’ll be out late anyway (assuming you can’t get any pity sex), so you might as well make a date out of it. Follow it up with salty, fatty food at an all-night diner, because it’s kinda romantic and in a few years, you won’t be able to stay up past midnight or eat whatever you want.

4. Watch An Entire Season Of Something

No matter how hard you work, you’re never fully caught up on being lazy. As soon as you’ve finally watched “The Sopranos,” you realize you’re behind on “Breaking Bad.” Grab your laptop and headphones, and spend the night making a dent in your TV to-do list.

5. If All Else Fails, Crash On A Buddy’s Floor

Hey, there are worse ways to spend a night than watching “SportsCenter” with a bro. Plus, sleeping on the floor is good for your back, which will help put you in peak physical shape for the night, very soon, when you’ll get wild with a lady and give your idiot roommate a taste of his own medicine.

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.