Your Texts Translated Into Girl Thoughts

Credit: Fabrice LEROUGE

You put about as much thought into your text messages as you do into your clothing choices, but a girl will analyze them like she’s getting a doctorate in emoticons. Here are a few of your bland texts, “decoded” through her eyes…

What You Type: “Wanna hang out later?”
What She Sees: “He wants to hang out — this is definitely more than just sex! What would it sound like if I had his last name? We have so much in common…I mean, we both love beer and pizza. I should buy some new makeup. Can I lose 10 pounds before tonight?”

What You Type: “Haha”
What She Sees: “He didn’t text ‘LOL,’ which means he actually laughed. Now I have to think of another funny thing to say. I better start composing drafts and getting feedback.”

What You Type: “K.”
What She Sees: “What a dick.”

What You Type: “I think I’m just gonna pass out.”
What She Sees: “OMG, he’s sleeping with someone else.”

What You Type: [No reply to her text for a few hours]
What She Sees: “He’s dead. Or arrested. Or I said something wrong. I shouldn’t have told him how much I love cats. I better stalk him on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram to see if he’s made contact with any other humans today.”
What You Type: “Sorry, I didn’t see your message before. What’s up?”
What She Sees: “I need to send out a mass text to all of my girlfriends and let them know he texted back!”

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.