8 Ways To Win At Life By Treating It Like A Video Game

Controller
Credit: Getty Images

Life is just like a video game: It’s full of obstacles, bad guys, skills to be mastered and — for those in the United States — a sobering amount of gun violence. If you’re looking to reboot your personal life, or just hoard plenty of coins, here are 8-bits (sorry) of advice on how gaming strategies can improve your life. For a heightened reading experience, please read while listening to Anamanaguchi.

1. Create A Custom Character

Think it’s fun to select outfits for your fake wrestlers in “WWE ’13“? Well, when people play dress-up in real life, it’s called “fashion,” and — if you want a girlfriend or a lucrative job — your appearance requires more thought and care than your XBOX Live avatar’s. Be careful, though. Just like in video games, some people take customization a bit too far…

Dennis Rodman / Getty Images
Credit: Getty Images

2. Life Is Better With Objectives

In video games, your goals are typically explained and you can check in on them for a reminder of what’s important to your mission. In real life? No dice. You’ll need to create your own objectives. Commit them to paper. I’d like to suggest a few to get you started:

  • Throw away my cargo shorts
  • Untag myself in Facebook photos featuring cargo shorts
  • Call Mom, ask for money to replace all of my cargo shorts

3. Learn New Skills

Did you just figure out how to take a piss without staining your pants or shoes? You leveled up — 1000 XP! Did you just learn that you shouldn’t lean in for a kiss every single time a woman is nice to you? You leveled up — 2000 XP!

4. Change Life’s Difficulty Level

Are you getting so drunk, you ruin every party you attend (and ruining your friendships in the process)? You’re making things too hard for yourself. Play life on “Easy Mode” and don’t drink so many PBRs — you’re not ready for that challenge.

5. Gear Up

I don’t want to sound too materialistic, but — just like you acquire gear (flashlights, health-packs, maps, etc.) for video game missions — having stuff is f**king great, you guys.

6. Mind Your Health Bar

If your video game character has blood blocking his vision and a loudly pounding heartbeat, you need to hide behind an overturned car to regenerate, right? Well, your own body sends signals when you need to take it easy, from hangovers to colds to beer bellies. (If you actually have blood in your eyes, you should get up from behind that overturned car and go to a hospital.)

7. Defeat The Bosses

Just like in video games, all bosses have weaknesses. At the office, wait patiently through his barrage of attacks until his guard is down, and then deliver the knockout punch of proving all his assertions wrong. (Note: Do not actually punch your boss.)

8. Cheat Code

Just like in most games, there’s a cheat code for life. Get a pen and write this down: A, B, A, A, B, UP, DOWN, UP. No, seriously, the actual cheat code is just being super rich. (This code usually works best when put in at the beginning of the game by being born into a wealthy family.)

Make the most of it, guys, because unlike in video games, you don’t get any extra lives.

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Zach Broussard (@ZachBroussard) is a comedian in New York City.