PETA Claims That Chicken Wings Give Your Baby A Small Penis

Credit: Jeff Fusco/Getty Images

If there’s any truth to this, then it’s the most terrifying scientific discovery ever. According to PETA, which cites medical research from the Study For Future Families, if your mother eats chicken while pregnant, then you might have a tiny penis. (The study also says chicken in the womb will give you high cholesterol, but that’s comparatively not important at all.)

“A study has come out that says when women consume chicken while pregnant, there’s actually a chance that their sons will have smaller than average penises,” a PETA official said, inspiring us to call Mom for once.

Obviously, we should be suspect of PETA’s motives here. The organization is protesting the National Buffalo Wing Festival, so this might just be a scare tactic to keep women from enjoying delicious chicken wings. Regardless, the federal government should dedicate all its resources to determining whether this study is accurate. For the sake of countless guys not yet born, we can’t afford to take any chances.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.