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Who isn't excited for the arrival of the NFL? We've all missed pro football so much over the last seven months, we've started to idealize it as a completely flawless sport. That couldn't be further from the truth. Though it's modern American sporting competition at its highest form, there are still some downright terrible things about the game.
1. Pregame shows
No one has ever learned anything pertinent during an NFL pregame show, which increasingly seem like advertisements for manufacturers of massive desks. And who sits behind them? An unnecessarily large bunch of meatheads yukking it up over highlights from the previous week. Even worse, they're usually ex-players you hated when they played, before you had to listen to them struggle to put together one coherent thought.
2. Sideline reporters
One part unwelcome interrupter of the game, another part pedantic smartypants (who isn't all that smart) and a third part someone who might not even like football. Sure, they're usually hot chicks dressed in business suits, but what TV programming nowadays doesn't have hot chicks in business suits? If you're getting your weekly "hot girl" fix via NFL football, you need to become better acquainted with how Google works.
3. Commercial breaks
Sometimes it seems that Sunday is devoted to endless commercials with an occasional few plays of football interruption. Commercials for athletic gear, old man boner pills and good ol' American light beer, playing ad nauseum for the entirety of the season. By the end of week one, you'll be sick of them; by season's end, you'll never want to see another beer commercial as long as you live.
If you actually find football commercials clever and amusing, you might need to sober up a bit.
4. Special teams
Football is both a beautiful game and a beautifully violent game -- running backs hitting a foot-wide hole with reckless abandon, quarterbacks hurling gorgeous spirals 60 feet through the air, free safeties coming across the middle to absolutely flatten a receiver -- except when fourth down comes and the kicker or punter takes the field. Then it's snap, hold, kick. Or snap, punt. Blah.
Sure, sometimes an exciting return play happens, but, for the most part, special teams force us to watch a unique kind of special athletes: Those skinny little kicking men on the field who don't look or play like any of the other gladiators.
5. Official reviews
There surely isn't a more terrible phrase to hear during an NFL game than "the previous play has been challenged." (OK, maybe one: "Now starting at quarterback for your New York Jets...") If you thought commercials grind an exciting game to a boring halt, official reviews are even worse. You sit with baited breath while a group of bloated officials huddle up around a tiny TV monitor, trying to figure out if they f**ked up on the last play call. Maybe the refs could, who knows, just get it right the first time?
6. Tim Tebow