How To Pretend You Attend College

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Credit: PhotoInc

College is the best four years of your life, but it’s also the most expensive. Ideally, there would be a way to get those fun-filled times without wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on tuition. Well, there is: Simply pretend you’re a student. I sure wish I had, and here’s how you can…

1. Move to a college town

You have thousands of tiny towns to choose from — places that would be irrelevant were it not for the faintly Gothic buildings gathered around a giant lawn: Syracuse, New York; Norman, Oklahoma; Eugene, Oregon…it doesn’t really matter.

Since you’re not actually attending the college, there’s no reason to worry about academics, so your key focuses should be: Warm weather, hot coeds (that means women, you non-college-attending moron) and large enrollments — all the better for blending into the crowd. Thus, you’ll want to look at big southern schools: Alabama, Clemson, Ole Miss, LSU…any’ll suffice.

2. Find a residence

Most (real) college freshmen live in dorms, but sneaking into one of those as a non-student will take some serious “Catch Me If You Can” chutzpah. Best to just skip your freshman year and start out as a fake sophomore.

Finding a piece-of-s**t house near campus with cheap rent won’t be tough. All schools have thousands of these barely-maintained flophouses, owned by slumlords, packed with rooms galore and rented for a paltry sum. Move into a place with four or five other guys who actually attend the school, but don’t even think about rushing a frat as a fake student — you’re not Will Ferrell.

3. Slob out

College kids are some of the worst-dressed people on planet earth. The girls walk around the quad in pajamas that make them look like psych ward patients, while the guys always seem to dress as if a pick-up basketball game might start at any second.

Affect the same look — rarely shower, fix your hair even less and don’t even dream of wearing a shirt with a collar. Better yet, just acquire various articles of clothing with your college’s name and/or mascot on it. Who in the world would wear such college gear, except for an actual student? Nobody. (Except you.) You’re already blending in, buddy.

4. Waste your days

You’ve gotta have the attitude of a college student, not just the look. This means sleeping late. Like, way late. Nearly to noon every day. You simply cannot get enough sleep.

After that, you’ll spend most of your days playing video games, tooling around on the internet, drinking in the daytime and just generally goofing around with your fellow “classmates.” (Only nerds hit the library.) Nobody will notice that you never show up to class, because they never show up to class either.

5. Acquire funds

The Pell Grant doesn’t offer loans to fake students, so you’ll need to get a part-time job. Bartender, pizza delivery boy, barista, stripper, pot dealer — they’ll all work to entrench you even more on your college scene. Only a genuine student “working his way” through school would take such crummy gigs.

6. Party every night

Now that you’re familiar on campus, it’s time to embark on a social life at the proud university you don’t really attend. Forget the puppeteer club and the quidditch team — I’m talking about partying your ass off. There’s a reason why you’re not a fake student at a community college, technical institute or commuter school.

Find fun things to do every night. Root your ass off for your school’s football and basketball teams. Stumble into random house parties and campus bars — it’s not like you need a student ID.

7. Have lots of casual sex

Here’s where it’s crucial to keep your cover as an actual student. That creepy “townie” who hangs around campus? Grossed-out chicks wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole. But you won’t have any problem chatting up cute sociology majors, especially if you…

8. Educate yourself

Finally, college is ultimately a waste if you don’t learn anything. And we don’t mean learning how to shotgun a beer. Read a challenging book. Attend a class or two — you can audit most of them for free.

And start figuring out what you actually want to do with your life. Because the best (fake) four years of your life will soon be over. Everybody’s sure gonna be confused when you skip graduation.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.