How To Survive Your First Frat Party With (Some) Dignity

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If you’re entering your freshman year of college, it’s only a matter of time until you party in a Greek house. No high school bash has prepared you for this, and it can be overwhelming. Here’s how to go wild without embarrassing yourself…

Blend into the crowd

Now is not the time for an obnoxious t-shirt or any other loud fashion statement. Always be yourself, of course, but be the version of yourself that’s most likely to get past the burly frat brothers guarding the door.

Avoid the punch

That pinkish jungle juice was mixed in a garbage can. It will make you sick. You’ll drink four cups, and think it’s weak because it tastes like lemonade, but it just hasn’t hit you yet. And then suddenly you’re in the bushes, crawling back to the dorm, waking up naked in a communal shower with a hollow feeling in your gut, your teeth gritty from puking up all that sugar.

Try the luge

Compared to the punch in that sloshing trash bag, the ice luge is relatively safe.

Do your party trick ONCE

If you can slam a beer or rock a 90-second keg stand, feel free to showcase that skill. But you don’t want to get labeled a one-trick pony. Even if people are begging you to snort another cap of vodka, laugh it off and keep moving. You are a complex, intriguing man of mystery. Your stupid human trick is merely the tip of the iceberg.

Eye the exits

If the cops come, or a brawl breaks out, you’ll want a prompt getaway. That means fire doors, busted fence planks, basement crawl spaces, whatever. That said…

Stay off the roof

This is probably the most important tip, if you enjoy living. Don’t scale the building. Don’t jump between balconies. And no matter how many people are chanting “USA! USA!”, don’t leap off the second-floor deck into the crowd gathered below.

And one more thing…

Don’t volunteer to go for ice. Brain dead from grain alcohol, you’ll wobble off down the road and end up on the other side of town, guaranteed.

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Mike McGrath (@marcomcgrath) is a college survivor.