The Worst Summer Date: The Zoo

Sea Lion Kisses Woman
Credit: Mitch Kezar/Getty Images

You’re thinking the zoo might make for the perfect outdoor date with the chick you’ve been wooing all season long? Think again. Zoos suck in any month, but they suck even harder in the summer. Here’s why…

The Heat

Zoos generally provide very little shade. You’ll need a golf cart or a Sherpa to carry the hat, sunscreen, water bottle, collapsible fan and umbrella required to protect you both from heat stroke. This is not a suitable habitat for sexiness.

The Smell

Meanwhile, that hot sun pairs terribly with hot rhino s**t. The zoo never smells great, but in the summer, all those nauseating stenches will totally kill the mood.

The Cost

Zoos are more expensive than you probably realize. Admission to Zoo Atlanta will set you back over $20 per person. In the Bronx? $30. And don’t even bother with the San Diego Zoo, which charges over $40 for each adult ticket. (Though you could save money at the Middle-East’s Gaza Zoo, which only charges 20 cents to visit its two zebra-painted donkeys. Transportation, however, might get costly.)

The Extras

Mind you, the aforementioned ticket prices don’t include the costs of refreshments and souvenirs like cuddly stuffed animals, or the “Bobo the Baboon” shot glass that your date will fall in love with and then lose/break three days later.

The Depression

All of this trouble and expense to view a bunch of sad, imprisoned creatures that would much rather be running free through forests, jungles and deserts than entertaining you and the throngs of squealing kids who’ll provide the soundtrack to your “romantic” date.

Our suggestion: If your lady insists on interacting with wildlife, take her to a free-range steakhouse instead.

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Ethan Fixell (@EthanFixell) is a writer and comedian from New York.