So, you’re at your buddy’s bachelor party. A lovely stripper is grinding against your jeans, but you just can’t enjoy it, because her life (even with the money) is horrifically sad, you don’t want to make a giant soggy mess. Well, you’re in luck, you refined gentleman.
Billed as “the best strip club invention since the pole,” Liquid Lapdance undergarments — equipped with a latex attachment to “caress and stimulate” your pork ‘n’ beans — will provide a “magical experience” backed by the “World’s First Orgasm Guarantee.” (Specifically, “If we can’t make you c*m, we don’t want your money.” Now that’s customer service!)
Sure, it costs $19.95 for a single pair, which sounds like a ripoff, but the company assures skeptical shoppers that “some guys wear them dozens of times.” Why are you retching? What, do you throw out your bedsheets every time you bust a nut in them?
If strippers don’t want you to climax — because they’re not prostitutes and you’re being a creeper — with Liquid Lapdance, “[T]here will be no stain or wet spot, so the dancer will typically be unaware you’ve just had a massive orgasm.” Even better for the married man, “[I]f his wife finds out, it’s not that big a deal.” (Riiiiiiight.)
In other words, you won’t feel like a scumbag…you’ll just be wearing one.