The 5 Most Awesome Pets You Can Have (Unless They Kill You)

Bengal Tiger Gunned Down By Florida Wildlife Officials
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Dogs may be man’s best friend (or, arguably, cats), but they’re also totally boring. Why not spice things up and get a pet worth bragging about? Just be careful, ’cause the world of badass exotic pets can be a dangerous place. Here are five awesome animal options, and reasons why getting them might be the last awesome thing you ever do.

Monkeys

Two New Yellow Breasted Capuchin Infants Make an Appearance at Edinburgh Zoo
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Why They’re Awesome: Monkeys are our closest ancestors — it’s basically having another dude around who’s also super good at peeling bananas with his feet. Bonus!

Why They Might Kill You: What monkeys lack in standard courtesy, they make up for in the ability to go bats**t insane at the drop of a hat. And when they go insane, that often means they’ll try to rip off your nuts. Consider yourself warned.

Snakes

Hunting Excursions Latest In Effort To Curb Evasive Snake Population
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Why They’re Awesome: Sure, snakes were the favorite pet of that weird kid in school who never talked to anybody and always had holes in the crotch of his jeans — but they’re not just for losers. Being the snake guy means you don’t give a f**k about death. You also feed them mice. Everybody hates mice. You’re a hero.

Why They Might Kill You: Snakes give less of a s**t about their owners than any creature in the animal kingdom. Keep reminding it that you’re the one who bought that sweet aquarium with the newspapers while it’s eating you whole. You’ll have the time.

Donks

Why They’re Awesome: Miniature donkeys. Do we really need to go any further? Hop on and ride around like a giant king of your backyard.

Why They Might Kill You: Like its brothers, the horse and the mule donkey, mini donks have cloved hooves and love kicking the s**t out of you with them. They also apparently don’t mind chasing down old men and eating them a bit. Just a bit.

Potbellied Pigs

The pot-bellied pig Paloma walks along t
Credit: AFP/Getty Images

Why They’re Awesome: They’re all the fun of a pig without the terrible stench. Pigs are all about hanging out and being kind of cute (considering how gross they are) and can somehow be used to attract women. Certain kinds of women at least. Pig women.

Why They Might Kill You: Potbellied pigs are crazy intelligent. They’re the evil geniuses of the farm animal world. They can get possessive and aggressive. With a potbellied pig, it’s all fun and games ’til somebody gets mauled because they took its favorite toy without asking.

Kinkajou

Why They’re Awesome: Have you ever wanted to hold a monkey in the palm of your hand? Of course you have. This is a cross between a monkey and a ferret.

Why They Might Kill You: They’ve got a violent streak in ‘em. Just ask Paris Hilton. Her kinkajou attacked her twice. When provoked, they’ll go nuts on you. How do you provoke a kinkajou? Hard to tell — they’re the crazy ex-girlfriend of mammals. You never know when they’re gonna go off.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.