5 Drinking Games That Put Beer Pong To Shame

broken beer pong table
Credit: peanutian/Flickr

Beer Pong is a right of passage for every American bro and brodette, dating back to when our Founding Fathers tossed sheep bladders into Solo goblets to determine who’d be our first president. (Look it up.) But what if you’ve mastered the sport and are ready for a new challenge? Look no further, because here are five drinking games that make beer pong look like wine cooler pong…

Dizzy Bat

dizzy bat
Credit: Dizzy Bat

Remember playing with those yellow wiffleball bats when you were a kid? Turns out, it prepared you for a way more fun game: Drinking Dizzy Bat. Here are the rules:

  1. Fill the bat with beer
  2. Chug the bat while a drunken mob counts how long it takes
  3. Stand the bat on the ground and place your forehead on top
  4. However many seconds it took you to chug, that’s how many times you have to spin around the bat
  5. Someone throws a beer can at you and you have to hit it
  6. If you miss, spin three more times around the bat and try again
  7. Vomit as necessary

Edward Fortyhands

fortyhands
Credit: Wikipedia

Of all the drinking games inspired by Tim Burton movies, this is by far the best. Players have two forties duct-taped to each of their hands. (One-handed players can substitute an eighty.) Then it’s a race to see who can finish off their forties and regain usage of their fingers. Bonus points if, in the course of the game, you show Winona Ryder that even a monster like you can be beautiful on the inside.

The Puzzle Jug

Drink if You Can puzzle jug
Credit: De Agostini/Getty Images

Despite the name, the puzzle jug isn’t when you’re trying to unhook a bra. It’s a 14th Century French drinking contraption that looks like a cross between a flower vase and Swiss cheese. The goal is to tilt it just right, so you can drink the liquor inside without spilling any out the holes. It’s the Enlightenment Era’s equivalent of a Rubik’s cube, except failure means getting schnapps all over your shirt.

If you don’t have access to priceless, centuries-old krunk-ware, maybe you can rig something up with a beer-bong and a power drill.

Shot Glass Chess

shots-chess-set
Credit: Shotglasschess.com

If ever there was a game designed for Russia to dominate, this is it. The rules are exactly the same as regular chess, except whenever players take a piece, they must consume that shot. So your brainy friend may start off playing like Bobby Fischer, but after a few moves, he’ll be playing like Bobby Brown.

For those of you looking for a less intellectual way to cause permanent brain damage, there is also Shots Checkers and Tic-Tac-Drunk.

Stump

stump
Credit: Bleacher Report

Yes, it’s Stump, the game of hammering nails into a stump. Each player has a nail. On your turn, you must flip the hammer at least 360 degrees, and then, without any pause, hit a nail. Whoever’s nail gets hit must drink the equivalent of how deep the nail goes. The rules don’t say what to do when the hammer flies loose and hits someone in the face, but that sounds like a social to me.

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John McNamee (@piecomic) is a writer for the Onion and creator of @80sDonDraper.