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Since much of Guy Code is not formally recognized by federal or state governments, it’s up to the common man to enforce the Code on his own. Sure, that might sound like vigilantism, but some guys won’t learn unless there are harsh penalties. Which is why “Guy Court” is coming your way this fall.
In the meantime, since you can’t call 911 to report a friend who won’t buy the second round of beers, here are ways to ensure that the Code remains the unwritten law of the land…
The Crime: Texting With Your Girlfriend
The Mitigating Circumstance: If your boy is sending a few short texts to your chick about where to meet for a party, that’s fine. If he’s having whole conversations over text about what’s going on in his life, or he’s digitally hitting on her, that’s a violation.
The Punishment: Take his phone and send an inappropriate message to someone in his contacts — specifically, his mom…and more specifically, the Anthony Weiner kind of text. She’ll think he sent it to the wrong number, and won’t believe his insistence it was you.
The Crime: Using Your Razor On His Junk
The Mitigating Circumstance: It’s unlikely that your friend would need immediate, emergency trimming before a date, but we suppose it’s possible. If he asks permission and then buys you a new razor ASAP, then no harm, no foul.
The Punishment: If, without warning, you find his pubes while shaving the next morning, then you’re entitled to rub your nuts on anything in his apartment. Tell him you did it, but don’t tell him which item you befouled. The eventual paranoia/germaphobia/OCD mental breakdown should teach him a lesson.
The Crime: Skipping Out On A Bar Tab
The Mitigating Circumstance: He had a few too many and went home sick…but offers to get your drinks next time.
The Punishment: If he intentionally left without paying, because he’s a cheap bastard, take him out to a nice steakhouse dinner and then sneak out before the bill arrives. You ordered the most expensive cut, right?
The Crime: Invites His Girlfriend To Join Your Fantasy League
The Mitigating Circumstance: This could be totally fine if there’s an open spot and she knows what she’s doing.
The Punishment: This is a heinous crime if she thinks A-Rod plays in the NFL, but he’s league moderator and feels free to abuse his power. At his next birthday party, invite as many of his exes as you can, and see how much he likes uninvited guests.
The Crime: One-Night Stand With Your Sister
The Mitigating Circumstance: If, if, if he’s totally in love with her, then try to let it go. Maybe someday, your best bro will be your brother-in-law, which would be pretty sweet.
The Punishment: If he just wanted to bang someone with a vagina, then it’s time to propose making that aforementioned Anthony Weiner sext to his mom something more…physical. Now family functions will be awkward for the both of you.
+ For more on justice, watch “Ain’t That America With Lil Duval” tonight at 11:30/10:30c on MTV2