Today’s Dumbass: Guy Steals Puppies By Hiding Them In Pants

Credit: Koichi Kamoshida/Getty Images

No guy should pay $800 for a dog, but that doesn’t make it OK to steal one — especially not by smothering it with your junk.

Police in Orlando, Florida are looking for a man caught on camera stuffing two puppies into his pants at a pet shop. He first took an $800 pug, then returned to the store and stole a $750 miniature dachshund. He avoided suspicion, police say, because he was accompanied by another man, a woman and a toddler, who appeared to be his family.

The pet store’s owner is offering a $250 reward, so contact authorities if you notice anyone selling a pug or dachshund that smells like underwear. (We’re not sure how much respect you get in prison for this, but it’s probably very little.)

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.