5 Things We Wish We Could Go Back To School For

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Credit: West Coast Surfer

All over the country, students are gearing up for the worst time in their lives: Going back to school. But compared to the real world, school isn’t that bad — actually, there’s tons of ways it kicks ass. Here are some of the things we’re nostalgic for, and wish we could have another stab at. Except homework. Homework always sucks.

1. Gym

As an adult, you struggle to find an hour in your schedule to work out. In school, that’s a requirement. How does taking a break from your shift at work to play kickball sound? It sounds pretty good. Gym class is easily the highlight of most dudes’ school life, and we want it back — besides, we’re way bigger now and would dominate all those nerds at floor hockey.

2. Parties

High school parties might be the wimpy cousin of college parties, but they still rocked. You were in a big house with no parents and all the cheap, fruit punch-mixed booze you could shove down before puking. Remember when seeing a keg was the most exciting moment of your life? It’s the simple times that are always the best.

3. No Jobs!!!

History class might suck, but it beats a corporate office where annoying people can’t shut up about how hot it is in summer. Sure, maybe you had an after-school job flipping burgers, but it’s got nothing on the humiliation of the 9-to-5. If you goof off in high school, you go to the principal’s office; if you goof off at your job, you end up living on the street. Case closed.

4. Girls Expected Less

Remember in high school when you could just hang out with a girl for a little bit, then go your separate ways? Now you’re living with your girlfriend, and it’s a vastly more complex relationship with intense emotions to consider and big decisions to make. Wouldn’t it be nice to just see a movie and then kiss goodnight?

5. Pranks

Let’s be clear: We’re not condoning bullying. Never cool. What is cool is that, while you’re in school, you basically have society’s permission to be an idiot. There’s nothing we’d like better than TPing our boss’s apartment, or leaving fiery dog s**t on our neighbor’s porch, but we can’t because we’re supposed to be “adults.” And we would get “arrested.” Major league bummer.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.