Fantasy Picks & Chicks: NFL Draft Guide Edition

Wes Welker Wife Anna Welker
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Mock drafts are for four-eyed stat nerds — make your fantasy picks based off of NFL players’ fantasy chicks.

Welcome back to “Fantasy Picks & Chicks,” in which I combine a player’s average fantasy points per game with the hotness score of his wife or known girlfriend to create the ultimate foolproof fantasy ranking system. It’s been a while, so let’s dive right in…


Fantasy Picks And Chicks QBs
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Aaron Rodgers & Destiny Newton (Left): Last year, Aaron Rodgers racked up 26.29 fantasy points per game. And speaking of racks, check out Destiny Newton! Mel Kiper‘s big board could barely contain this busty first-rounder, so I’ll give her a 9.5 for a combined 35.79.

Drew Brees & Brittany Brees (Center): Drew Brees scored an average 26.72 fantasy points per game in a year when his team was decimated because of Bounty Gate. I’m sure most opposing defenders would be happy to take out his wife, Brittany, on a nice date. She’s cute, but a little too wholesome for my taste. I’ll give her an 8 for a total of 34.72.

Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen (Right): Tom Brady scored 25.39 per game for fantasy owners. Tom scored off the field when he locked down his dream girl Gisele Bundchen. (Finally, someone he can share a pair of Uggs with!) Gisele is a 10, but gets downgraded to a 9 for throwing Wes Welker under the bus, bringing their total to 34.39.

Winner: Aaron Rodgers

Running Backs

Fantasy Picks And Chicks RBs
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Adrian Peterson & Ashley Brown (Left): Coming off an ACL injury, Adrian Peterson was still able to amass an amazing 19.09 fantasy points per game. Recouping must’ve been a lot easier with the help of his girlfriend Ashley Brown, a keeper in any league with an impressive 9.5, for a total of 28.59.

Arian Foster & Romina Foster (Center): Arian Foster continued his fantasy domination, putting up 16.32 points per game. Consistently hot Romina Foster is the feminine definition of an every-down back. I’ll give her 9.0, bringing their couple score to 25.32.

Ray Rice & Janay Palmer (Right): At 16.32 fantasy points per game, Ray Rice was a key cog in the Baltimore Ravens’ Super Bowl season. Unlike her boyfriend, though, Janay Palmer is still looking for a ring, and may have a few solid years left. She gets an 8.5, for a couple total of 24.82.

Winner: Adrian Peterson

Wide Receivers

Fantasy Picks And Chicks WRs
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A.J. Green & Miranda Brooke (Left): A.J. Green was able to avoid a sophomore slump last year, posting 12.61 fantasy points per game. His girlfriend Miranda Brooke is certainly no slump-buster — she’s a go-to girl in any situation, scoring 9.25 and bringing their team total to 21.86.

Eric Decker & Jessie James (Center): Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos are expecting big things from their receiving core, including Eric Decker, who put up 11.56 fantasy points per game last year. But it’s not the thin air in Denver that will take your breath away; it’s the Mile High hottie Jessie James, a clear 10, bringing their team score to 21.56.

Dez Bryant & His Two Girlfriends (Right): There are two girls on Instagram claiming to be Dez Bryant’s girlfriend. While neither would be considered first-ballot Hall Of Famers, they’re both cute chicks. Kudos to Dez for filling out his depth chart. Their combined score of 17, plus his fantasy average of 13.08, brings their love triangle total to 30.08.

Winner: Dez Bryant


Unfortunately at press time, there were no kickers currently getting laid.

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Sean Green is a comedian and die-hard NFL gambler. Get his picks @GamblingPodcast.