Things That Aren’t ‘Gay’ If You’re Having A Bromance

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Credit: Scott Brown/Flickr

You’re a full-blown, completely committed straight dude…and so is your bro (you think). But sometimes it seems like an incredibly fine line separates your bromance from a gay romance. That fine line is actually sleeping together, not that there’s anything wrong with that. So, don’t worry about accidentally setting off people’s gaydar if you’re seen…

Working out together

Both you and your bro love to hit the gym, so why not do it as a team? You know you can trust him to spot you on the weights. As for the side-by-side treadmills and the smoothie at the health bar afterwards (and toweling each other off when the sweating gets too crazy), fellow gym members will be surely thinking, “Now those bros sure know how to have a good time!”

Wining and dining

Men are usually drinking buddies first and foremost, and if a little hunger starts creeping in, why not order a pile of wings at the bar? But you’ll rarely see guys dining across the table from each other at a fine, candlelit restaurant, unless they’re on a date. And that’s too bad, because two friends should be able to enjoy a five-star meal together. You might not wanna share the fondue for two though.

Being jealous

A bro would never dare cockblock his bro — but if your buddy is spending all his time with his girlfriend, you might be just a little upset. When their romance gets in the way of your bromance, there’s nothing gay about telling your friend you miss him and you’d like to see him more often. Just don’t send flowers, all right?

Hugging

Whether your friend just got a new job or you’re simply seeing him for the first time all day, a manly hug is the perfect way to let your bro know he means the (nonsexual) world to you. Be sure to clench tight and aggressively slap him on the back to assure onlookers that this hug comes from a place of pure bromance.

Ass slapping

Your bro does some awesome athletic feat. Maybe he hits a home run in intramural softball. Or he makes the game-winning bucket in a pick-up basketball game. You want to congratulate him in the most bro-tastic way possible. So you do — by slapping him on his finely-toned rump. You might even add an “atta’ boy,” to make it clear this is an incredibly heterosexual ass slap.

Vacationing

Guys do road trips with friends, but never vacation together — unless we’re having a bromance. Booking flights, renting a car, sharing a hotel room…oh yeah, people are going to talk. About how much fun you must be having with your bro! Enjoy your stay in Paris!

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+ For more on bromance, watch “Ain’t That America With Lil Duval” tonight at 11:30/10:30c on MTV2

Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.